“Hell Commandos” is an Italian/Spanish movie set in WWII Europe. It stars the famous cowboy movie star Guy Madison. The movie opens with footage of end of the war celebrations. What the hell? Spoiler alert, please! Apparently, the celebrations are proof that the movie mission successfully won the war. As I was able to deduce, a coerced scientist is developing something nefarious and must be stopped. The mission is given to a squad of misfit Marines who are the Dirty Dozen if they had been in the Italian army. We are introduced to them as they frolic with some local girls. Italian war films always find a way to get hot chicks in. These guys have as much fun fighting themselves as f’ing the frauleins. This makes them perfect for a cinematic suicide mission to save civilization. They are paradropped behind the lines and sneak up on sleeping SS men. They slay them in a variety of ways, including using a wrench! Well, that was different. They encounter a special agent named Maj. Carter (Madison) who “enlists” them to go after the professor making the superweapon. They don SS uniforms (which of course fit perfectly) and fortunately they all speak German except their minority member – a Native American named Cheyenne. On the way, they meet up with the professor’s daughter so Carter can have a lust interest and we can see a girl kill Nazis. Oh, and there is an evil Nazi.
“Hell Commandos” is as bad as you would expect. Much of it makes no sense. Starting with: what are Marines doing in Europe? Sloppy research, dudes. The plot is matched by the terrible acting and dialogue. The intentional humor is stupid slapstick. The unintentional is not enough to make the movie camp. The first guffaw comes around the twelve- minute mark when we get a binocular-eye view of footage from a much better movie. Some of the deaths are hilarious and stick around for the ending which is side-splitting. Consider it a reward for sitting through the whole thing. After all, if you don't laugh, what is the purpose for Macaroni Combat movies?
GRADE = F-
