Picture, Quote, Movie #7

“Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war? … He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

WHAT MOVIE?  This movie has one of the wettest scenes in war movie history as our commando team comes ashore in fourteen minutes of storm effects with no dialogue. 

OVERLOOKED GEM? Jarhead 3: The Siege (2016)

       Once upon a time there was a movie about a sniper in Operation Desert Storm.  It was based on a best seller memoir entitled “Jarhead”.  The book and movie were noteworthy for depicting the boredom of modern warfare.  Anthony Swofford did not fire a single shot in the war.  Although totally realistic, the sequels have taken care of that deficiency.  No one wants to see a straight to DVD sniper movie with little sniping.  The two sequels don’t save ammunition.  “Jarhead 3:  The Siege” keeps the Jarhead name, but that is it.  It was directed by William Kaufman with a nod towards Hitchcock.  In that they are both directors.

                Corporal Albright (Charlie Weber) arrives at the U.S. embassy in “the Kingdom”.  It’s a quiet zone, but don’t turn off the movie yet.  Albright is introduced to his new mates and the sexy digital security director Olivia (Sasha Jackson).  He also meets the peacemonger Ambassador Cahill (Stephen Hogan).  Albright does not make a good impression when he goes cowboy on a training mission.  He gets a moderate ass-chewing and then a harsher one when he goes over his gunny’s head about a suspected terrorist.  No one believes him until the embassy comes under extreme attack.  The terrorists are led by a Bin Laden type named Khaled.  He is the leader apparently because while every one of his men is easy to kill, he is very difficult to kill.  He is a mastermind which is proven by the ease with which his men get into the embassy.  Cahill takes refuge in a safe room, but Cahill and the others go out to rip asses.  And there is plenty of ass-ripping.  First there is the initial assault,  then local government forces arrive as cannon fodder, then a technical arrives with more jihadis because the movie is running out of bad guys to kill.  (The director probably sent a truck to the market place to hire more extras midway through the filming.)  When the movie gets tired of the last stand, it morphs into a chase film, returns to a last stand, and concludes with the arrival of the cavalry.  Now that I think about it, this movie is a lot like a Western.

                If you have a craving for dead hajjis, this is the movie for you.  Once the assault commences, there are only a few expository breath-catchers.  Otherwise it is nonstop mayhem.  The violence is generic.  The good guys never miss and the ratio of dead to wounded is typical of combat porn.  At least, some of the deaths are unpredictable.  There is not enough reloading, but there is some. The acting is fine, even though Weber is wooden.  His rogue cowboy grows into leadership in the crucible of combat.  Yawn.  The other characters are a mix of stereotypes and relatively originals.  Cahill is not the usual sniffling bureaucrat.  Olivia turns out to be a warrior.  If she had been wearing a bikini during the chase scene, the movie probably would not have gone straight to DVD.  While Khaled is a stock character, he does get to present his side of the argument.  He is shut up by the end of the movie, however.

                “Jarhead 3” is not a cult classic.  It is a competent actioner and better than could be expected.  It is not in a league with the similarly plotted “13 Hours”, but if you have seen that movie and want more ass-kicking and a happier ending, see this one too.

GRADE  =  C+

Picture, Quote, Movie #6

“Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.” 

MOVIE?  The biggest star in this star-studded movie has a memorable scene where he stress-repeats the "Hail Mary".

CRACKER? The Siege of Jadotville (2016)

                “The Siege of Jadotville” is the true story of a forcibly forgotten incident in the Congo Crisis of the 1960s.  It brings to light the last stand of an Irish UN peace-keeping unit.  It was directed by Richie Smyth based on the nonfiction book The Siege of Jadotville:  The Irish Army’s Forgotten Battle (2005).  The actor’s went through a boot camp, which given that this is the Irish Army, was probably as intense as Boy Scout Camp.  Sorry about that one, but the incident was the first time a unit of the Irish Army was deployed overseas.  One of the actors was the grandson of the Irish commander.  How is that for having a technical adviser on set?

                The movie opens with a title card that tells the non-professional historians in the audience that the situation in the Congo in 1961 was part of the Cold War conflict between the U.S. and Soviet Union.  Rather than spend the first thirty minutes of the movie explaining what was happening, it summarizes by saying that there was a struggle for control over the mineral-rich Katanga province.  Company A, 35^th Battalion is being sent to keep the peace.  There is a pre-deployment scene in a pub to remind the non-humans in the audience that Irish like to drink.  The men are all green (and they are unseasoned) and are led by a military history buff Commandant Pat Quinlan (Jamie Dornan).  He gives a speech about how they will make Ireland proud.  By keeping the peace?  Low bar.

                When the unit arrives at Jadotville, since they are all Irish, no one mentions how similar the situation is to the movie “Zulu”.  Intercutting to the cinematic slimy politicians informs us that besides being sitting ducks that are ill-supplied, this will not be Boy Scout camp.  The local UN official Connor O’Brien (Mark Strong) implements Operation Morthor which is to get tough in Katanga.  This will be a tall order because Company A is not only poorly armed, but the local civilians do not want their protection and the mining company wants them out.  When the UN uses other forces to crack down on the Katangese government, O’Brien does not bother to tell Quinan that he has thrown a rock at a bee hive.  The bees are local warriors (doing their Zulu impressions) and French Foreign Legion badasses led by Rene Faulques (Guillaume Canet).  There is also a Simon Legree of a mine owner pulling the strings.  The strings involve sending swarms of cannon fodder across open ground with predictable results.  This being a war movie, each assault bumps up the last.  The French wait until the second attack to break out the mortars and the third to call in their air support.  These attacks require a cinematic load of ammo expenditure which is a problem since they were already low on ammunition.  And whiskey.

                “The Siege of Jadotville” gets a lot of good will from me because it sheds a light on a sadly forgotten heroic action.  It needs the bonus points for historical accuracy and significance because it is otherwise an average war movie.  Most of it is average.  The acting. The dialogue.  There is little character development and it relies mostly on stock characters like the stoical commander, the slimy politician, the cocky enemy commander, the mustache-twirling mine tycoon.  The men of the unit are interchangeable and nameless.  Contrast this with “Zulu” and you can see more copying would have been better in this respect. There are lame attempts at banter and soldier life.  It does a fair job of intercutting between the boots on the ground and the politicians using them as toy soldiers.

  

                The movie has plenty of action, but it is not combat porn.  There are four separate combat scenes and they are competently done.  All of the attacks are frontal, so there is little variety other than throwing in the mortars and the air attack.  As I watched, I remarked at how lucky the Irish were in avoiding casualties.  This seemed out of place in a modern war movie, but I subsequently have found that the lack of Irish blood conforms to the historical facts.  A rare example of fidelity over volatility.

                In conclusion, I have a soft spot in my heart for movies that bring obscure, but worthy historical events to the screen.  I especially enjoy war movies that make me ashamed that the event they cover was not known to me.  But the shame is overcome by the enjoyment of watching a war movie about a historical event and not knowing the ending.  And I look forward to researching how true to the story the film is.  Often what I find is the movie has shined light on the event, but the script has been less than faithful to the truth.  “The Siege of Jadotville” has brought recognition to a heroic unit that had been largely forgotten.  Not just forgotten, but in some ways maligned by the few who knew about it.  This movie sets the record straight and sticks to the facts admirably.  So admirably that the movie is less entertaining for the people who do not care about the history.  Kudos for that.

GRADE  =  B-

HISTORICAL ACCURACY:  The Congo Crisis occurred between 1960-1965 after the Republic of Congo got its independence from Belgium.  Part of the crisis had to do with the secession of a mineral-rich region called Katanga.  UN Secretary General Dag Hammerskjold sent in peace-keepers, but refused to take sides.  Part of the peace-keeping force was Company A, 35^th Battalion led by Commandant (equivalent to Major) Dan Quinlan.  The unit was mostly young men and this was the first time Irish troops had been used in an international  affair.  The 155-158 men were stationed at Jadotville and given the job of protecting the Belgian civilians in the area.  This was ironic because most of the locals sided with the secessionists.  Quinlan took steps to fortify his vulnerable position by digging trenches.  His unit was lightly armed and had only a few Vickers machine guns and 60 mm. mortars.  The siege was precipitated by UN diplomat Connor O’Brien who greenlighted a plan called Operation Morthor.  The mission was to take positions in Elisabethville belonging to the Katanga government.  The Katangese leader named Tshombe was ready for a fight and unleashed a force consisting of Luba tribesmen and Belgian, French, and Rhodesian mercenaries.  Their leader was a French Foreign Legionnaire named Rene Faulques.  The attackers used 81 mm. mortars and a 75 mm. field gun.  The attack started during an open-air Mass.  The warning was sounded by a sentry.  The Irish held off the attack with withering fire and dealt with the artillery with accurate counterbattery fire.  The siege lasted six days.  At one point Quinlan communicated “We will hold out until our last bullet is spent.  Could do with some whiskey.”  (This line is in the movie.)  Supplies were not forthcoming.  The one attempt at a helicopter resupply resulted in tainted water.  The defense was weakened by strafing and bombing attacks by a lone fighter jet.  Eventually, the Irish arrived at the point where they could not have withstood another assault.  Quinlan decided that continuing to battle would be hopeless, so he surrendered his men.  Unbelievably, not a single Irish soldier was killed and only six were wounded.  The besiegers suffered around 300 dead and about 1,000 wounded.  They were held as hostages for one month and then released.  They continued their service and then returned to Ireland at the end of their six month tour.  The Irish government played down the siege with the implication that the surrender had been unjustified.  No decorations were awarded to the numerous men that Quinlan suggested.  The unit was tainted and “Jadotville Jack” became a synonym for cowardice. The guilt weighed heavy over the years and the unit was given the Presidential Unit Citation in 2016.  Production of the movie may have had something to do with that.

Picture, Quote, Movie Quiz #5

"Are you smoking this sh-t so’s to escape from reality? Me, I don’t need this sh-t, I am reality. There’s the way it ought to be, and there’s the way it is.”

WHAT MOVIE?  This movie includes the most famous leaders of the American Indian Movement in its cast. They made this movie eighteen years after their involvement in the occupation of Wounded Knee in 1973. 

WTF? Beyond Valkyrie: Dawn of the 4th Reich (2016)

                Each year I check on what war movies are being planned for the future.  Often there are movies that sound interesting on paper and I look forward to someday seeing them.  As I look back over the years, many of those intriguing titles never made it into production.  And some, unfortunately, did.  This leads me to wonder two things: 1.  Why do good movies not get made?  2.  Why do bad movies get green-lighted?  “Beyond Valkyrie” fits in the second category.  It was directed by Claudio Fah.  Remember that name.  He’s going to be big someday.  Or not.  The movie went straight-to-video which still means that it got further than a bunch of the titles I had been looking forward to.  Life is not fair.

                The movie begins with a title card that informs us that Germany is losing the war, but the Nazis are stockpiling something in East Prussia.  In England, “Operation Jedburgh” has the mission of going behind enemy lines to bring out a German officer who is part of Operation Valkyrie (the attempt on Hitler’s life).  The movie is unclear about why they need this guy, but don’t worry about it - the script doesn’t.  A below average CGI transport plane gets shot down and our four commandoes are on their own.  They are led by Capt. Blackburn (Sean Patrick Flanery) and include a crusty sergeant played by Tom Sizemore.  If you continue watching after Sizemore’s involvement in the movie, you are truly a war movie fan and/or a masochist.  Either way, keep drinking.

 

                Our quartet hooks up with four Soviets led by Maj. Kulkov (Pasha Lychnikoff).  There is a Mexican standoff before the Allies bond.  They are joined by a hot spy (actress Julie Engelbrecht in case you want to skip the movie and see just this scene)  who gratuitously shows her breasts to assure us we are watching a straight-to-video movie.  The band of brothers are trapped in a house by Nazis leading to a ridiculous shootout with the usual German mindless assaulters being mowed down. Think "Where Eagles Dare".  Then it’s on to rescue the good Nazi while being chased by the evil Nazi.  It all gets a bit redundant with prodigious expenditure of ammo.  The German soldiers are worse shots than Imperial Stormtroopers. 

                “Beyond Valkyrie” is not the sequel to the Tom Cruise movie that you were hoping for.  And this time they still don’t get Hitler.  What we have here is the classic straight-to-DVD bait and switch involving a title.  Of course, if you are fooled by the title, you get what you deserve.  And that means terrible effects, terrible acting, terrible dialogue… you get the idea.  Or I could have simply said you get Tom Sizemore. 

GRADE  =  F   

Picture, Quote, Movie Quiz #4

“When I go home people will ask me, ‘Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? What, you some kinda war junkie?’ You know what I’ll say? I won’t say a goddamn word. Why? They won’t understand. They won’t understand why we do it. They won’t understand that it’s about the men next to you, and that’s it. That’s all it is.”


What movie is this?  This is the only war movie I am aware of where a soldier carries a head in a bag.  For snacking.  And he's one of the good guys.

Picture, Quote, Movie Quiz #3

“Keep the sand out of your weapons, keep those actions clear. I’ll see you on the beach.”


WHAT MOVIE IS THIS?   A lot of training on a stable runway to take off of a bobbing runway, all to spend half a minute over an enemy capital.

OVERLOOKED GEM? Dad’s Army (2016)

       When I was growing up my favorite TV show was “Gilligan’s Island”.  I am not proud of that, but I am not defensive about it either.  Everyone has guilty pleasures and “Gilligan’s Island” is one of my generations most common ones.  There has been much conjecture over the years about a remake.  Most would agree that while it is interesting to wonder who would play the iconic roles, the end product would be nothing short of a disaster.  Think “Flintstones” or virtually any other attempt to bring a TV classic to the big screen.  A recent attempt to buck the trend was “Dad’s Army”.  For my fellow Baby Boomers, “Dad’s Army” is the equivalent of “Hogan’s Heroes” for the British.  It appeared on the BBC from 1968-1977 and was very popular.  It ranks among the greatest British sitcoms.  The series is about the Home Guard in WWII and most of the characters are elderly British gents who are patriotically defending their island against a potential invasion or paratrooper drop.  The movie takes a typical plot and expands it into a feature film.

 

                The movie is set in 1944.  A Nazi spy is killed sending a message by pigeon.  The pigeon is subsequently shot down by some British lads who are hunting for Pvt. Walker (Daniel Mays).  Mays is the unit’s black marketer.  This way of connecting the unit to the spy is typical of the movie’s humor.  The rest of the characters are introduced via names on the screen which is the movie’s way of making it easy for its elderly audience to identify the new actors that are playing their old favorites.  To kill time before the espionage plot kicks in, the geezers are sent on a mission to recover a runaway bull.  1960s British slapstick ensues.  Meanwhile, the Nazis have green-lighted Operation Cobra which involves a lady spy infiltrating the Home Guard to determine the site of the D-Day build-up.  Rose Winters (Catherine Zeta-Jones) is masquerading as a journalist who is doing a story on the unit.  Since she is automatically the hottest bird in Walmington-on-Sea, several members of the group try making moves on her.  This includes Capt. Mainwarring (Toby Jones) and his second in command Sgt. Wilson (Bill Nighy).  She plays them for fools, which is not much of a challenge.  Mainwarring gets to be lead buffoon.   The movie uses the tired old gag where Rose convinces him that he looks more handsome without his glasses.  Tired pratfalls result. Naturally, the wives and women of the town feel threatened by the hottie.  As should all of Great Britain since this wily female spy is using these geniuses to find information that will win the war for Hitler.

 

                I am all for nostalgia.  Hell, I’m a History teacher.  And I have a soft spot for classic TV.  But that is mainly nostalgia-fueled.  I am not blind to the reality that the Golden Age of television is mostly pyrite.   I’m talking about American TV.  I am not as qualified to disrespect the BBC.  While a big fan of its crime and mystery dramas, I am less enamored with the sitcoms, with the obvious exceptions of "Monty Python" and "Fawlty Towers".  My favorite is "Allo! Allo!" which is ironic because it is also set in WWII.  David Croft co-created and co-wrote both “Dad’s Army” and “Allo!  Allo!”  I have seen every episode of “Allo!  Allo!”, but had seen none of “Dad’s Army” until I watched a couple in preparation for this review.  I watched the first episode and one of the most highly acclaimed episodes (“Deadly Attachment”) to get a feel for the show and to be able to compare it to the movie.

                I have to admit I was not impressed with the series.  In my opinion, it is greatly inferior to “Allo!  Allo!”, but I understand that humor is subjective and many would argue that “Gilligan’s Island” is sophomoric and “Hogan’s Heroes” is offensive.  Regardless of anyone’s opinion on the quality of the TV series, the movie could not have made many fans happy.  As a stand alone effort, it is terrible.  It just is not funny.  I did not laugh a single time and I generally am open to silliness.  The slapstick is lame and the feeble attempts at sexual innuendo (an art that BBC sitcoms have long mastered) are pathetic.  It is not even campy, which is the least you could ask for in an attempt to revive a dinosaur comedy.  The acting is embarrassing.  I felt sorry for a cast that was heavy with recognizable British B-listers.  It was not their fault, mind you.  Toby Jones is given the thankless task of caricaturing a caricature.  In the series, Mainwarring is portrayed as a well-meaning, if clueless leader wannabe.  In the movie, he becomes a dolt.  I find it hard to believe that the series’ fans were happy with this tweaking of the character.  The rest of the characters are more faithful to the originals, but second rate.  Since this is a modern remake, the women’s roles had to be enhanced.  Mrs. Mainwarring and her cadre are given a prominent role when in the series she did not even appear.  Most perplexing is the appearance of Catherine Zeta-Jones.  I doubt this movie gets featured on her resume.  If the idea was to attract an American audience – that was not going to happen no matter who appeared in the movie.  Talk about a movie that does not travel well.  Was she that desperate for cash?

 

                My take away from the viewing experience was one of sadness and I am not even a fan of the series.  I just know that there are many who are and as an Anglophile I wanted the movie to be good.  It isn’t.  But neither will “Gilligan’s Island”.  Some ideas are best left in the speculation phase.  I sure would like to see a movie based on “Allo!  Allo!”  Imagine what they could do with the sexual innuendo in the 21^st Century.  I wonder who would play Rene.  Actually, I fantasize more about who would play Yvette.

 

GRADE  =  D-

Picture, Quote, Movie Quiz #2

“You have to think about one shot. One shot is what it’s all about. A deer’s gotta be taken with one shot.”


What movie is this?  The lead in this movie did not have to act too hard because he had served in PT boats.  His co-star avoided doing that sort of thing.