MACARONI COMBAT #8 - Apocalypse Mercenaries (1987)

              

               I’ll give this much to macaroni combat movies, they usually don’t try to fool you with their titles.  This movie is a good examples of how this subgenre wears its low quality on its sleeve.  I suppose some people might mistake this title for a movie related to “Apocalypse Now”, but those people should be parted from their money.  I mean the $1 they spend at the discount bin at Walmart.

               If you catch this masterpiece while channel surfing after midnight, you won’t need to know the title.  There will be plenty of clues that you have run into a very low budget war movie.  First clue, there is an explosion in the first 40 seconds.  Clue #2 -  the head of the commandos has a really macho name – in this case, Halo.  Clue #3 -  the mission is one behind enemy lines -  in this case, they are going to eliminate Nazi headquarters in Yugoslavia.  Clue #4 – they hook up with a sexy partisan.  Clue #5 -  they blow a lot of shit up -  in this case, a train and an airfield.  Clue #6 -  they shoot from the hip, never reload, never miss.  Clue #7 -  the deaths are silly with the victims throwing their arms into the air.  Wait, you can see this in big budget war movies, too.

               I’ll try not to spoil the plot for you.  You’re welcome.  Halo and a four-man team are sent to wipe out a Nazi headquarters.  His four men include a flier, a doctor, a demolitions nut, and a Rambo-type.  They meet the female partisan who acts as their guide.  When Halo looks through his binoculars, he sees footage from another film.  This is the first of the unintentional laughs.  They take a side mission to destroy a train.  And then an airfield.  They get attacked by Nazi fighters (planes that look nothing like German WWII warplanes) that actually carry bombs that they drop.  Take that, much better films.  There are lots of bombs.  They use poison gas on the headquarters.  That’s at least different.  This all builds to the climactic battle that includes a dogfight and a giant melee on the ground. 

               “Apocalypse Mercenaries” could have been much worse.  It does have a lot of mindless action and the acting is not terrible.  The characters are all cliches, but you don’t expect originality in a macaroni combat movie.  The female partisan is actually not part of the problem.  It’s the males that are bargain basement action heroes.  Everything you expect, you will get.  It’s classic macaroni.  I counted 14 explosions (besides the bombs) and 10 laughs, none of them intentional.  All set to an aggravating score that manages to combine snare drums with synthesizers.  I suggest you watch it muted.  You do know the sound of an explosion, right?

GRADE  =  D