War Machine (2026)

            “War Machine” is a new Netflix offering. It is not to be confused with “War Machine” (2017), another Netflix war movie. The similarities end with the name. 2017 is a satire of the war effort in Afghanistan, 2026 is an action movie with nothing to say about anything. You know the type. While 2017 is clearly a war movie, 2026 is more arguable. I would say it is a war movie. It involves Army Rangers taking on a badass alien robot. However, it fits well into the action and sci-fi genres. The reason this is important is I am reviewing it as a war movie. The grade I give it might be different if I was reviewing it as an action or sci-fi flick. The film was co-written, co-produced, and directed by Patrick Hughes (“Expendables 3”). It stars Alan Ritchson. He did most of his stunts, including his breath under water for two minutes.

            The movie begins in Afghanistan. A staff sergeant (Ritchson) is reunited with his brother who is trying to repair a vehicle in his convoy. The stationary convoy is ambushed and massacred. Every soldier is killed except the brothers. If you want to call it a war movie, the fact that there are no wounded (other than the brothers) certainly fits combat in 90% of war movies. When our hero recovers from his leg wound, he decides to join the Rangers. He does not fit in well because he is older and is made of muscles. He is a loner and thus not leadership material. The movie will fix that.

            The first half of the film covers the training. This should help Ranger recruiting as the movie is its “Top Gun”.  It skips the haircutting trope, but the rest is fairly standard. This is Ranger training, so it is a tutorial. Since boot camp sequences are pretty common in war movies, you won’t see much you haven’t seen before. However, I did mention Ritchson (who is simply called 81) held his breath for two minutes walking the bottom of a pool with weights. This feat of he-manship almost gets him bounced. He gets a second chance to prove he’s a leader. He and the surviving trainees are sent on a mock mission to destroy a downed aircraft and rescue the pilot. They are about to find out why the film threw in a brief reference to an asteroid. They encounter the titular alien. It is a combination predator/transformer. They and the audience believe the machine is hunting them. And they have as much chance as a deer against a human hunter. Before you say “But the deer has no gun”, neither do they since it’s a training activity. They eventually arm up, but that alien is dynamite! It is far from a fair fight. Blanks were just as effective as real bullets. They sure try hard and there are several amped up scenes to satisfy action junkies. There is even a chase involving a Stryker combat vehicle. The only thing in their favor is they have 81, so you know who is going to win. The plot deals with who dies when and how and how many will make it to 81’s medal ceremony. Unlike the Afghanistan scene, there are wounded men. It’s hard to remain unwounded when you roll down a cliff ala “Lone Survivor”. When 81 hits a boulder, it’s the boulder that is wounded. Speaking of wounded, the small (and getting smaller) group is toting a wounded man on a stretcher. If you think he is going to die, you don’t understand how war movie redemption works. The mystery is how will the alien be defeated. Will it be germs or a virus put in its computer or 81 covering himself in mud?

            I do not read other critics’ reviews before writing mine. But I did see several headlines that found the movie entertaining in a gonzo way. However, this is a war movie, so I hold it to higher standards of realism. I know you are wondering why a movie about an alien war machine must be realistic. Let’s just say I wanted the movie to not be silly. It failed in that respect. 81 is a battle-scarred veteran and yet he outdoes all the other trainees. He easily beats them in a run up a mountain in full gear… with a bum leg! Because he’s the hero. And of course the hero has to duel with the villain in the last act. Until that scene, the machine is invulnerable. There is no way any of the trainees should have lasted more than five minutes. But that would not have allowed for the whittling down process common in small unit movies. Few will be around for the crescendo of cheesiness at the end. This is when we find out there will be a sequel.

            The movie is full of cliches. At one point, the men are in a raging river and go over a waterfall. (We don’t learn how the machine crossed the river, by the way.) The redemption theme is hammered. Take a drink every time 81 says he has to “get across that finish line”. Ritchson is a candidate for taking over Arnold Schwarzenegger’s crown. I have no idea how the Army found a uniform to fit him. He’s a hulk and acts like one. He’s not a bad actor and he does have charisma. But he matches the war machine in emotive ability. You might think his muscles are computer generated. There is no doubt the machine is CGI and it well-done. Not surprising since Hollywood has perfected robots. When you look at my grade, I want you to factor in that I cannot recall a single female in the film. Secretary of War Hegseth approves. (I checked the cast list and 122 is a female, but obviously she made little impression and did not make the cut.)

            If you are reading this review and have not seen the movie, I strongly recommend you view it as an action or sci-fi movie. And turn off your brain.

GRADE  =  C-