It always seems like there are not very many war
movies coming out these days, but when I looked back at 2016, it turns out
there were more than twenty that were released. In fact, most of them I had not
even heard of until I started this project.
I saw #10, 9, 8, 3, 2, and 1 in theaters when they came out. Granted, most of them did not make it to
theaters, but that is still an acceptable amount of war movies. It’s just a shame that more of them were not
good and only one of them was very good.
18.
Dad's Army - “Dad’s Army” is a sequel to the beloved
Britcom. In this extended episode, a
comely German spy masquerading as a journalist (Catherine Zeta-Jones for God
knows what reason) is determined to ferret out the location of a D-Day
preparation site. This could change the
outcome of the war. All she has to do to
ensure that Germany wins the war is to dupe the Home Guard of
Walmington-on-Sea. She does this by
flirting with the two leaders of our bumbling crew of geezers and geezer-brains. Comedy hijinks ensue and guffaws result if
you are a septuagenarian who refuses to admit the original series was not all
that funny and thinks a remake was an excellent idea. Sorry, elderly Brits, this movie is a
steaming pile of crumpets. F-
17.
U.S.S. Indianapolis: Men of
Courage - If you watch a movie starring both Nick Cage and Tom Sizemore, you are an “Audience
of Courage”. This “based on a true story”
flick attempts to do justice to the men of the ill-fated USS Indianapolis. As anyone who has seen “Jaws” knows, the Indy
was sunk by a Japanese sub after delivering the atomic bomb to the “Enola Gay”. Sharks feasted on the survivors. The movie feasts on our eyes. While fairly accurate, the acting and pitiful
effects dilute the historical significance.
F Netflix Instant
16. Beyond Valkyrie- “Beyond Valkyrie” has one thing in common
with the Tom Cruise movie. I’ll give you
a hint – it’s not Tom Cruise. If you
want to see Cruise’s excellent take on the attempted assassination of Hitler,
make sure you do not put the word “beyond” on the front of your Netflix
request. This “sequel” has something to
do with a mission behind enemy lines to rescue a plotter. Straight-to-DVD action and acting take your
mind off the mindless plot. The reason
why this movie is slightly better than USS Indianapolis is it has only Tom Sizemore in it. F
15.
Sniper: Special Operations - Continuing
the trend of bad actors making bad movies, this movie stars Steven Seagal. Part of the venerable “Sniper” franchise (try
saying that out loud at a film festival), this episode has our heroes trying to
rescue a Congressman being held hostage by the Taliban. Meanwhile, a laconic sniper (Seagal) is holed
up behind enemy lines in need of extreme rescuing. Bang! Bang!
Boom! Boom! USA! USA!
You get what you expected. D
14.
Guernica - A cynical, hard-drinking journalist (how
original) hooks up with a government censor (opposites attract) for a romance
set in the terror bombing of a Spanish city during the Spanish Civil War. Tragedy and romance – a war movie staple. Supersize to love triangle. Evil Soviet (not Nazi, at least) and the Red Baron’s son. Plus plenty of bombs! The actual bombing inspired Picasso to paint
a famous mural that is on the opposite end of the artistic spectrum from this
movie. But it does set the tropes in an
obscure historical event and Nick Cage, Tom Sizemore, and Steven Seagal are
nowhere to be found, so it is not the worst war movie of the year. D
13.
Operation Chromite - If you weren’t so focused on America’s role
in the Korean War, you would be aware of a mission by South Korean commandoes
to steal the plans to the mine fields off Inchon. By watching this movie, you will still be
totally in the dark about Operation Chromite, unless it was slap-ass
crazy. This is a below average Korean
combat-porn movie. What makes it stand
out is the usual gonzo Korean leading man has been replaced by a Liam Neeson as
Douglas MacArthur. He actually does an
acceptable overrated military genius.
Unfortunately, the movie does not do an acceptable rendition of Korean
combat-porn. You don’t have to be
drinking to be drunk by the end of the movie.
D
12.
Sniper: Ghost Shooter - How does the
Sniper franchise manage to put out two movies in one year? That is like two Star Wars in one year. In this entry, our snipers (plural because
more is better and essential at this stage) are tasked with defending a
pipeline in the Middle East. There is a
jihadi sniper who is better than all of them and he has their coordinates
somehow. Don’t worry, their plus/minus
will be reversed big-time in the climactic snipe-off. And our designated focus sniper has gone
through his redemption arc from refusing to shoot a kid to killing for our
cause. And he gets the hot spy babe. Stick around to the end to get your fill of
jihadi slaughter. C-
11.
Billy Lynn's Longtime Halftime Walk - How genius is it to contrast the home
front to what went on with our troops in Afghanistan? How about if we throw in a
what-really-happened-in-the-incident scenario?
Okay, but what if we film it in some radically different cinematography
that distracts from the plot? To tell
the truth I was not distracted from the plot because I saw this movie in the
boring regular format that forced me to concentrate on how lame the plot is. If you don’t want your movie to be a
disappointment, why would you set it in a Dallas Cowboys game? C-
10.
Allied - “Allied” is a high wattage WWII
espionage/romance that greatly improves on “Shining Through” but still requires
a lot of suspension of belief. It is a
movie for the masses who want to watch two beautiful people (Brad Pitt and
Marion Cotillard) ooze sexual chemistry.
The plot developments deftly connect the dots in ways unknown to the
real world. Not bad, just
forgettable. C
9.
The Free State of Jones - “Free State” is another sincere effort to
bring a forgotten historical event to the nonreading public. During the Civil War, a county in Mississippi
refused to go along with secession. They
were led by a charismatic anti-planter named Newton Knight (Matthew
McConaughey). The movie is more of a
biopic than a war movie. It is
competently done and relies a lot on McConaughey’s star power to overcome its
piousness and civil rights activism. And
it is admirably accurate. The big
problem is it is too long and insists on covering the anticlimactic
Reconstruction period. C
8.
Hyena Road - This is a movie that highlights the
involvement of the Canadian army in Afghanistan. Did you know the Canadians killed a lot of
evil jihadists there? Paul Gross (of
“Northern Exposure” fame) brought this “based on several incidents that could
have happened” story to a couple of screens in Canada. The action is decent and the romance is
female-appealing, but the movie is average.
C Netflix Instant
7.
Jarhead 3 - The third in the series and the second to
not grace a theater. “Jarhead 3” is not
a cult classic. It is a competent
actioner and better than could be expected.
It is not in a league with the similarly plotted “13 Hours”, but if you
have seen that movie and want more ass-kicking and a happier ending, see this
one too. C+ Netflix
Instant
6.
Siege of Jadotville - It was a good year for obscure
incidents. This movie highlights the
heroic efforts of a green unit of Irish peacekeepers in the Congo when it was
going through the usual African turmoil.
The men are led by a commander who is unflappable and a quick
learner. Unfortunately, they are
besieged by a horde of warriors tempered by French mercenaries. Throw in slimy politicians and you have a
movie that is micro (the siege) and macro (the United Nations efforts). The action is cyclical and similar to “Zulu”
although clearly inferior. The historical
accuracy is high. B-
Netflix Instant
5.
Anthropoid - If
people still don’t know the story of the assassination of Reinhard Heydrich,
perhaps this seventh rendition of the story will do the trick. The movie tells the tale of the two Czech
special operatives who took out the Nazi bigwig in the streets of Prague. Naturally , the two have to find romance. Although the strained attempt to appeal to
the female audience is a weakness, the movie is noteworthy for its recreation
of the assassination in real time. Then
it adds the siege of the assassins in a church that sates your need to see many
Heydrich peons blunder into bullets. B
4.
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot - This is a Tina Fey vehicle set in
Afghanistan. It is based on the
experiences of Kim Barker. It is our
most recent addition to the war journalist subgenre. In that respect, it maintains the usual
clichés of hard-partying, cynical reporters trying to scoop each other. The film is surprisingly not political and
actually is pro-military. If anything,
its message is that the war is just a mess.
The cast is top notch and has Margot Robbie as a slutty news bunny. Fey is very good. There is some good action
and interaction between the journalists and the military. It is a dramedy with the snarky humor you
would expect from Fey. B
3.
13 Hours- This is a Michael Bay film that is not a load
of hooey. It tells the story of the
military contractors that defended the State Department and C.I.A. personnel in
Benghazi after the killing of Ambassador Stevens. It falls into the “last stand” subgenre. The action is intense and although the body
count is enhanced, the movie sticks to the facts for the most part. Amazingly, it does not weigh in on the
controversy and did not become a Republican propaganda film. It is red meat, not for Hillary-haters, but
for war movie lovers. B
2.
Hacksaw Ridge - Why did it take so long for Hollywood to tell
the story of Desmond Doss? Doss was a
conscientious objector who won the Medal of Honor for his efforts in saving the
wounded during the conquest of Okinawa in WWII.
It is better as a biopic than as a war movie. Andrew Garfield is fine as Doss (although not
worthy of an Oscar nod) and his religiousness is not overplayed. The movie is an accurate take on Doss’ life,
but that is diluted by the ludicrously over the top combat. The juxtapositioning of standard biopic with
combat porn is whiplashing. The action
is Korean style and has some LOL moments for anyone familiar with what combat
is actually like. But that is what the
public wants and at least they learn about a legit war hero. B
1.
Rogue One- The latest Star Wars movie is the best in
years and ends a string of disappointments.
I consider it to be the third best installment after the first two. It is also the most war movieish of them
all. In fact, the final battle is one of
the greatest ever filmed. The plot has a
variety of well-worn themes like the vengeance-minded lead (refreshingly a
female this time), the quest by the motley crew of rogues, the multi-faceted
battle. And the return of one cinema’s
great villains. What’s not to like? A
There were several movies that I was not able to track
down. I am confident none of them would
have made the top five. If anyone wants
to make a case for any of them, feel free.
The Yellow Birds
Railroad Tigers
The King’s Choice
Alone in Berlin
Sand Castle
Land of Mine
Chosen
Kamp Holland
Harlem Hellfighters
So...I got upgraded internet access yesterday. To see how fast a movie would load from Netflix I started Indianapolis: Men of Courage. The first scene has the Captain shouting, "12 Degrees, FIRE!" Boom shoot the guns at the airplanes. "35 Degrees, Fire!" Boom shoot the guns at the airplanes. Ummm...NO! It doesn't work that way!!! Obviously whoever wrote the script had NO idea how WW2 ships functioned in combat. No way I'll try to watch any more of it!
ReplyDeleteI loved that part. The batteries firing on command of the captain. LOL
DeleteLand of Mine is better than any of those movies you have detailed.
ReplyDelete