EPISODE 5
Act
I Scene 4 - the
barracks
The camera pans over the barracks. The men are in small groups enjoying the
minutes before lights out.
There is a game of dominoes going on in a corner.
McQueen [slamming down a domino]: V is for victory, gentlemen. I believe this pile of cash and shirt are
mine.
A shirtless Ray [grabbing the tile and squeezing it in
his palm until it turns to dust]: You
better hope no dominoes fall on this mission.
Like on your head. [sneering]
McQueen wanders over to his bunk and notices a statue of
St. Ives that his mother sent to him. He
says to himself: Damn! Why did that statue have to remind me of that
domino game back in boot camp. Yeah, I
cleaned up then too and then the next day I slipped running over that log on
the obstacle course and crushed my testicles.
I wonder how long it will take to lose all this money? I’m keeping Ray’s shirt, though. 1
Caine and Lancaster lounge on their bunks nearby.
Caine: Have I
shown you a picture of my girl Peggy Sue?
Lancaster: Woof,
that is one ugly girl.
Caine: Yeah, I
know, but she can do things with spam that you would not believe. Funny thing – this picture belonged to a mate
of mind. He showed it to me and then
soon after got killed. I looked up the
girl and I fell in love with her cooking.
Lancaster: Take a
look at this.
Caine: It’s a
poodle.
Lancaster: That’s
Lulu. She’s a saucy bitch. I bet you didn’t know I love pets. If I survive this mission I’m going to open a
pet clinic for poor people. I’ll
dedicate my life to helping petkind. If I survive.
Caine: Of course
you'll survive. We both will. Why wouldn't we? I want you to be the best man at my
wedding. Bring Lulu.
Eastwood lays on his bunk singing a cowboy song.
Eastwood: Roll ‘em, roll ‘em, roll ‘em,
keep them doggies rollin…
Quinn: Hey,
cowboy – are you going to sing all night?
Eastwood: That’s
fer sure, that’s fer darn sure. 2
Bronson and Johnson sit on a foot locker.
Bronson: Man, I
got to get out of this place. I hate all
officers and I can’t take any more orders.
This is a bullshit mission and we’re all gonna get killed, I tell
ya. I’m gonna tunnel out of this place
tonight. Are you interested? 3
Johnson: Being
the designated ladies’ man, I would like to go AWOL so I can get to London to
visit a bird I met and get some scrambled eggs.
Hopefully at the same time, if you get my drift. [leering]
Thomas has drawn a crowd.
Knotts: Do some
impressions, Terry.
Thomas: “You’re a
brave man. Go break through the
lines. And remember, while you’re out
there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we’ll be in here
thinking what a sucker you are.”
Knotts: Groucho!
Thomas: “So, they
call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt, do they?”
Knotts: Jack
Benny!
Thomas: “I wish,
I wish, I wish I were a fish”
Knotts: Not a
clue. 4
Redford [laying on his bed with his baseball bat
extended over his chest]: This is my
bat, this is my prick. This is for
bashing heads, this is for kicks. 5
A pillow comes flying through the air knocking the bat
out of his hands. Immediately a pillow
fight breaks out among the men. Ray is
peeing on himself as Quinn tickles him.
Jaeckel [waving feathers out of his path]: All right, children. Lights out.
You have a long day of training tomorrow. And I better not hear anyone asking for a
glass of water during the night. And if
you have to go to the head, do not bring a loaded rifle.
1 - The
Longest Day
2 - Battleground
3 - The
Dirty Dozen
4 - Stalag 17
5 - Full
Metal Jacket
EPISODE 6
Act
I Scene 5 - The
training ground.
Jaeckel stands in front of a dummy. The misfits are standing in a loose arc.
Jaeckel: If you
are going to be a commando, you have to be able to two things. First, you have to be able to sneak up and
cut a Germans throat from behind.
Second, you have to be able to say something pithy.
Quinn: Pithy,
sarge?
Jaeckel: It means
smart ass, smart ass. Now one at a time,
each of you sneak up on the dummy and slash its throat and then say something
bad-ass. And no copying from someone
else.
Each of the men takes his turn.
- Thomas:
Tonite you dine in Hell, Nazi.
Save me some kidney pie. 1
- Eastwood:
Yippee-ki-yay, get along little doggie.
2
- Redford:
Only the dead have seen the end of war – what does it look like? 3
- Quinn:
I just made him an offer, but he refused. 4
- Ray:
I’m here to chew tobacco and kick ass and I’m all out of chaw. 5
- McQueen:
Thank you for being the dumb bastard that died for Germany. 6
- Caine:
I’m your boysenberry. 7
- Bronson:
Say hello to my little friend which in this case happens to be this
knife that I have just cut your jugular vein with causing massive blood loss
and your subsequent demise due to me sneaking up on you from behind without you
knowing I was there. 8
- Johnson:
Hasta la vista, baby. I’ll be
back, but you won’t be. 9
- Lancaster:
I’m an errand boy sent by a grocery clerk to collect your bill. 10
- Knotts:
I wish I could sleep with the fishes, too. 11
Hartman: Nicely
done, maggots. I just pray you all get
the chance to sneak up on another human fracking being and cut their throat.
1 - 300
2 - Die Hard
3 - Black Hawk Down
4 - Godfather
5 - They Live
6 - Patton
7 - Tombstone
8 - Scarface
9 - Terminator II
10 - Apocalypse Now
11 - Godfather
EPISODE 7
The men move on to the obstacle course. Time for a montage.
Hartman: This is
no pansy obstacle course. We adjusted
the normal course to reflect the toughness we expect from you. Take one step forward if you think you are
tough enough to be in this unit… Not so
fast Red Shirts. Oh, I kid you
guys. Just because I don’t know your
name doesn’t mean something bad will happen to you.
The men line up in front of the monkey bars.
Johnson:
Sarge. There’s something moving
on the monkey bars.
Hartman: Those
are monkeys, you brainless twiddly-poof.
Why do you think they are called that?
Get going!
Johnson goes hand over hand through the device as
monkeys claw at him and screech.
Johnson: Not the
face, not the face!
The men move on to the rope swing. Several are scratched up and some have monkey
feces on them.
John Roe, a Red Shirt, leads the way. He swings and an alligator grabs his leg and
pulls him under. Nobody cares.
They get to the log which is not straight and still has
limbs on it.
McQueen: Sarge,
can I sit this one out? I had a bad
experience with a log at boot camp.
Hartman: Shut the
Hades up.
McQueen runs gingerly on the log clutching his
nuts. He is almost to the end when he
slips and crashes face first into the log.
McQueen (spitting out a tooth): Thank God.
(He pats his nuts.)
They move to the bayonet drill. Knotts stabs at the dummy like he is trying
to tickle it.
Hartman: Son of a
female dog! Would you like a condom for
that bayonet? (He throws down his
clipboard, retaining only the pencil.)
Come at me and try to stab me, you little puke. You have a bayonet and all I have is this
pencil. (Hartman makes a noise like a
chicken.)
Knotts snaps, let’s out a primal girlish scream, and
lunges. He stabs Sarge in the side. (The other men exchange high fives.)
Hartman: For
Christsakes, you stabbed me, you little bastard!
Knotts: But
Sarge, you told me to try to stab you.
Hartman: Dammit,
I wasn’t serious, you idiot. You have a
bayonet and all I had was a pencil! Are
you kidding me? What kind of psychopath
attacks a guy holding a pencil with a bayonet?
1
They jog over to a railroad track where a locomotive and
six box cars sit. A pile of pugil sticks
is on the ground.
Hartman: All
right, lice. Pair off and each of you
grab a pugil stick. Then pick a box car
and climb on top.
Caine: Sarge,
aren’t we going to get in a ring?
Jaeckel: I’ve
killed 32 Germans and none of them were in a ring. However, about a dozen were in fights on
moving trains. We’re getting you ready
for the real world.
The men climb on top of the box cars and the train
starts moving. The men begin to hit each other with the sticks. Several fall and barely hang on. John Dough has his back turned when the train
enters a tunnel. Nobody cares.
They go to the rifle range. The targets look like Hitler with his little
mustache and greasy hair. One arm is in
the air in a Nazi salute.
Hartman:
Gentlemen, this is Mr. Charlton Heston.
He is an expert on the use of the sling, having been a mercenary in
numerous African wars.
Heston: All
right. I don’t have a lot of time. I’m booked for Ghana tomorrow. I’ve been brought here to train you to hit a
human target at twenty paces. I don’t
believe this religious crap about some sling that will miraculously hit its target. I don’t believe in miracles. There is no God. It will take skill. Grab a sling from the pile and pick up a
rock. (There is some chuckling as the
men do as he says. He watches them
intently.) I hear you laughing about
using a sling. Let me tell you
something. A sling is better than a
gun. It’s more personal. I don’t believe in guns. They should be outlawed.
Heston: (to
Redford) Are you satisfied with that
baseball sized rock?
Redford: Yes. I reckon I can pitch a strike with it.
Heston: That
shows how much you know, you dumb hick. Good
slinging rocks are flat, not round. (He
quickly grabs a rock and slings it. The
head of one of the Hitler’s comes off.
Polite applause from the men.)
Now you try.
One rock goes through the windshield of a general’s
car. Another lands in the coffee cup of
the camp commander. A third hits the
rump of the cavalry commander’s horse causing the horse to run off dragging him
from a stirrup. Another knocks down a
barrage balloon. One hits a German
sniper hiding in a tree. Knotts hits
himself in the crotch. 2
They move to the live fire range. There is wire attached to posts two feet
tall. The wires have some type of guts
hanging on them.
Lancaster: Sarge,
what’s that smell and what’s hanging on the wire?
Hartman: The
smell comes from the pants of the last group that came through here. To make it more realistic we hang animal
entrails on the wire. Since we were done
with the monkeys…
Thomas throws up.
Hartman: You will
crawl across this field under the wire.
Do not lift your head above the wire under any circumstances. We will have machine guns firing over your
heads.
Hartman stands off to the side with Jaeckel as the men
crawl through. He nudges Jaeckel.
Hartman: Watch
this. (He makes a gobbling noise. Johan Deaux lifts his head to look for the
turkey and takes a bullet to the head.
Nobody cares.) 3
Hartman: You did
hear me tell them not to lift their head under any circumstances, didn’t you?
Jaeckel: Yup. It
looks like I’ll be making another trip to the replacement depot to pick up some
more Red Shirts.
At the end of a long day, the men double time back to
the barracks. Hartman calls cadence.
" We
love working for FDR
Let’s
us know just who we are
1-2-3-4
I love the suicide commandoes
I
don’t know but I’ve been told
Eskimo
pies are mighty cold
Mmm
good
Feel
good
Are
good
Real
good
Taste
good
Good
for you
Good
for me" 4
1 - All Quiet on the
Western Front
2 - Animal House
3 - Sergeant York
4 - Full Metal Jacket
Eastwood
[slowly rises to his feet; he has cut a hole in his blanket and has passed his
head through it]: What do you want?
Bronson:
I was recruited for a mission because I was a miner before the war. They needed
someone to tunnel into the basement of a French chateau so the unit could kill a
bunch of Nazi officers and their "girlfriends". Everything went well until a
German came down to get some cognac and spotted us. He locked the door and we
could hear grenades being dropped down the ventilation system. Those bastards.
They have no concept of fair play in warfare. I managed to crawl back through
the tunnel along with a black soldier named Black. When we got out the tunnel we
were chased by German shepherds and they caught him. I guess they preferred dark
meat. [laughs] It was him or me and he had no chance of outrunning a Polish guy.
Van Johnson:
Whatever you want I’ll do it. All I ask is that I get some eggs. I’m dying for
some scrambled eggs. 
Redford: Can
I bring my bat?
Slovik [sneering]: I’ve been
listening to you talk to the other guys and you’re nuts if you think I’m going
to risk my life. Why do you think I deserted? I’m not going to die in this
war.
Quinn:
Peck!!