WHERE DIRTY HEROES DARE - Episodes 5-7

EPISODE 5

Act I  Scene 4  -  the barracks

The camera pans over the barracks.  The men are in small groups enjoying the minutes before lights out.

There is a game of dominoes going on in a corner.

McQueen [slamming down a domino]:  V is for victory, gentlemen.  I believe this pile of cash and shirt are mine.

A shirtless Ray [grabbing the tile and squeezing it in his palm until it turns to dust]:  You better hope no dominoes fall on this mission.  Like on your head. [sneering]

McQueen wanders over to his bunk and notices a statue of St. Ives that his mother sent to him.  He says to himself:  Damn!  Why did that statue have to remind me of that domino game back in boot camp.  Yeah, I cleaned up then too and then the next day I slipped running over that log on the obstacle course and crushed my testicles.  I wonder how long it will take to lose all this money?  I’m keeping Ray’s shirt, though.  1

Caine and Lancaster lounge on their bunks nearby.

Caine:  Have I shown you a picture of my girl Peggy Sue?

Lancaster:  Woof, that is one ugly girl.

Caine:  Yeah, I know, but she can do things with spam that you would not believe.  Funny thing – this picture belonged to a mate of mind.  He showed it to me and then soon after got killed.  I looked up the girl and I fell in love with her cooking.

Lancaster:  Take a look at this.

Caine:  It’s a poodle.

Lancaster:  That’s Lulu.  She’s a saucy bitch.  I bet you didn’t know I love pets.  If I survive this mission I’m going to open a pet clinic for poor people.  I’ll dedicate my life to helping petkind. If I survive.

Caine:  Of course you'll survive.  We both will.  Why wouldn't we?  I want you to be the best man at my wedding.  Bring Lulu. 

Eastwood lays on his bunk singing a cowboy song. Eastwood:  Roll ‘em, roll ‘em, roll ‘em, keep them doggies rollin…

Quinn:  Hey, cowboy – are you going to sing all night?

Eastwood:  That’s fer sure, that’s fer darn sure.  2

Bronson and Johnson sit on a foot locker.

Bronson:  Man, I got to get out of this place.  I hate all officers and I can’t take any more orders.  This is a bullshit mission and we’re all gonna get killed, I tell ya.  I’m gonna tunnel out of this place tonight.  Are you interested?  3

Johnson:  Being the designated ladies’ man, I would like to go AWOL so I can get to London to visit a bird I met and get some scrambled eggs.  Hopefully at the same time, if you get my drift. [leering]

Thomas has drawn a crowd.

Knotts:  Do some impressions, Terry.

Thomas:  “You’re a brave man.  Go break through the lines.  And remember, while you’re out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we’ll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.”

Knotts:  Groucho!

Thomas:  “So, they call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt, do they?”

Knotts:  Jack Benny!

Thomas:  “I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish”

Knotts:  Not a clue.  4 

Redford [laying on his bed with his baseball bat extended over his chest]:  This is my bat, this is my prick.  This is for bashing heads, this is for kicks.  5

A pillow comes flying through the air knocking the bat out of his hands.  Immediately a pillow fight breaks out among the men.  Ray is peeing on himself as Quinn tickles him. 

Jaeckel [waving feathers out of his path]:  All right, children.  Lights out.  You have a long day of training tomorrow.  And I better not hear anyone asking for a glass of water during the night.  And if you have to go to the head, do not bring a loaded rifle.

1 -  The Longest Day

2 -  Battleground

3 -  The Dirty Dozen

4 -  Stalag 17

5 -  Full Metal Jacket

EPISODE 6

Act I  Scene 5  -  The training ground.

Jaeckel stands in front of a dummy.  The misfits are standing in a loose arc.

Jaeckel:  If you are going to be a commando, you have to be able to two things.  First, you have to be able to sneak up and cut a Germans throat from behind.  Second, you have to be able to say something pithy.

Quinn:  Pithy, sarge?

Jaeckel:  It means smart ass, smart ass.  Now one at a time, each of you sneak up on the dummy and slash its throat and then say something bad-ass.  And no copying from someone else.

Each of the men takes his turn.

          -  Thomas:  Tonite you dine in Hell, Nazi.  Save me some kidney pie.  1

          -  Eastwood:  Yippee-ki-yay, get along little doggie.  2

          -  Redford:  Only the dead have seen the end of war – what does it look like?  3

          -  Quinn:  I just made him an offer, but he refused.  4

          -  Ray:  I’m here to chew tobacco and kick ass and I’m all out of chaw.  5

          -  McQueen:  Thank you for being the dumb bastard that died for Germany.  6

          -  Caine:  I’m your boysenberry.  7

          -  Bronson:  Say hello to my little friend which in this case happens to be this knife that I have just cut your jugular vein with causing massive blood loss and your subsequent demise due to me sneaking up on you from behind without you knowing I was there.  8

          -  Johnson:  Hasta la vista, baby.  I’ll be back, but you won’t be.  9

          -  Lancaster:  I’m an errand boy sent by a grocery clerk to collect your bill.  10

          -  Knotts:  I wish I could sleep with the fishes, too.  11

Hartman:  Nicely done, maggots.  I just pray you all get the chance to sneak up on another human fracking being and cut their throat. 

1 -  300

2 -  Die Hard

3 -  Black Hawk Down

4 -  Godfather

5 -  They Live

6 -  Patton

7 -  Tombstone

8 -  Scarface

9 -  Terminator II

10 -  Apocalypse Now

11 -  Godfather

EPISODE 7

The men move on to the obstacle course.  Time for a montage. 

Hartman:  This is no pansy obstacle course.  We adjusted the normal course to reflect the toughness we expect from you.  Take one step forward if you think you are tough enough to be in this unit…  Not so fast Red Shirts.  Oh, I kid you guys.  Just because I don’t know your name doesn’t mean something bad will happen to you.

The men line up in front of the monkey bars.

Johnson:  Sarge.  There’s something moving on the monkey bars.

Hartman:  Those are monkeys, you brainless twiddly-poof.  Why do you think they are called that?  Get going!

Johnson goes hand over hand through the device as monkeys claw at him and screech.

Johnson:  Not the face, not the face!

The men move on to the rope swing.  Several are scratched up and some have monkey feces on them.

John Roe, a Red Shirt, leads the way.  He swings and an alligator grabs his leg and pulls him under.  Nobody cares.

They get to the log which is not straight and still has limbs on it.

McQueen:  Sarge, can I sit this one out?  I had a bad experience with a log at boot camp.

Hartman:  Shut the Hades up.

McQueen runs gingerly on the log clutching his nuts.  He is almost to the end when he slips and crashes face first into the log.

McQueen (spitting out a tooth):  Thank God.  (He pats his nuts.)

They move to the bayonet drill.  Knotts stabs at the dummy like he is trying to tickle it.

Hartman:  Son of a female dog!  Would you like a condom for that bayonet?  (He throws down his clipboard, retaining only the pencil.)  Come at me and try to stab me, you little puke.  You have a bayonet and all I have is this pencil.  (Hartman makes a noise like a chicken.) 

Knotts snaps, let’s out a primal girlish scream, and lunges.  He stabs Sarge in the side.  (The other men exchange high fives.)

Hartman:  For Christsakes, you stabbed me, you little bastard!

Knotts:  But Sarge, you told me to try to stab you.

Hartman:  Dammit, I wasn’t serious, you idiot.  You have a bayonet and all I had was a pencil!  Are you kidding me?  What kind of psychopath attacks a guy holding a pencil with a bayonet?  1

They jog over to a railroad track where a locomotive and six box cars sit.  A pile of pugil sticks is on the ground.

Hartman:  All right, lice.  Pair off and each of you grab a pugil stick.  Then pick a box car and climb on top.

Caine:  Sarge, aren’t we going to get in a ring?

Jaeckel:  I’ve killed 32 Germans and none of them were in a ring.  However, about a dozen were in fights on moving trains.  We’re getting you ready for the real world.

The men climb on top of the box cars and the train starts moving. The men begin to hit each other with the sticks.  Several fall and barely hang on.  John Dough has his back turned when the train enters a tunnel. Nobody cares. 

They go to the rifle range.  The targets look like Hitler with his little mustache and greasy hair.  One arm is in the air in a Nazi salute.

Hartman:  Gentlemen, this is Mr. Charlton Heston.  He is an expert on the use of the sling, having been a mercenary in numerous African wars.

Heston:  All right.  I don’t have a lot of time.  I’m booked for Ghana tomorrow.  I’ve been brought here to train you to hit a human target at twenty paces.  I don’t believe this religious crap about some sling that will miraculously hit its target.  I don’t believe in miracles.  There is no God.  It will take skill.  Grab a sling from the pile and pick up a rock.  (There is some chuckling as the men do as he says.  He watches them intently.)  I hear you laughing about using a sling.  Let me tell you something.  A sling is better than a gun.  It’s more personal.  I don’t believe in guns.  They should be outlawed.

Heston:  (to Redford)  Are you satisfied with that baseball sized rock?

Redford:  Yes.  I reckon I can pitch a strike with it.

Heston:  That shows how much you know, you dumb hick.  Good slinging rocks are flat, not round.  (He quickly grabs a rock and slings it.  The head of one of the Hitler’s comes off.  Polite applause from the men.)  Now you try.

One rock goes through the windshield of a general’s car.  Another lands in the coffee cup of the camp commander.  A third hits the rump of the cavalry commander’s horse causing the horse to run off dragging him from a stirrup.  Another knocks down a barrage balloon.  One hits a German sniper hiding in a tree.  Knotts hits himself in the crotch.  2

They move to the live fire range.  There is wire attached to posts two feet tall.  The wires have some type of guts hanging on them. 

Lancaster:  Sarge, what’s that smell and what’s hanging on the wire?

Hartman:  The smell comes from the pants of the last group that came through here.  To make it more realistic we hang animal entrails on the wire.  Since we were done with the monkeys…

Thomas throws up.

Hartman:  You will crawl across this field under the wire.  Do not lift your head above the wire under any circumstances.  We will have machine guns firing over your heads.

Hartman stands off to the side with Jaeckel as the men crawl through.  He nudges Jaeckel. 

Hartman:  Watch this.  (He makes a gobbling noise.  Johan Deaux lifts his head to look for the turkey and takes a bullet to the head.  Nobody cares.)  3

Hartman:  You did hear me tell them not to lift their head under any circumstances, didn’t you?

Jaeckel:  Yup.  It looks like I’ll be making another trip to the replacement depot to pick up some more Red Shirts.

At the end of a long day, the men double time back to the barracks.  Hartman calls cadence.

               " We love working for FDR

                Let’s us know just who we are

                1-2-3-4 I love the suicide commandoes

                I don’t know but I’ve been told

                Eskimo pies are mighty cold

                Mmm good

                Feel good

                Are good

                Real good

                Taste good

                Good for you

                Good for me"  4

 

1 -  All Quiet on the Western Front

2 -  Animal House

3 -  Sergeant York

4 -  Full Metal Jacket