Saturday, January 19, 2013

LIVE: Warbirds

               “Warbirds” is a made for Sci Fi Channel movie.  It is the true story of a B-29 carrying a secret weapon for the OSS that is piloted by an all-female crew that crashes on an island that is occupied by the Japanese, but home to dinosaurs.  Surely you learned about this in American History class.  Unless you have one of those lameoids who teaches only what’s in the text book. Here is my stream of consciousness (oh, that I had been unconscious!) review.

                A plane flown by women!  This must be science fiction.  I guess they are ferrying it somewhere.  They are WASPS after all.  Very cheesy special effects.  This must be Sci Fi.  If brass come by:  chests out, ladies.  (They said this, not me.) They are on Hawaii and tasked to fly a secret cargo to Tinian.  There’s a storm, but the OSS Colonel orders no course change.  Wait, was that a pterodactyl?  Let’s land on that island.  Pilot (West):   “I promised I’d die happy in Clark Gable’s bed and I ain’t breaking that promise.”  Who the Hell is Clark Gable, says 90% of the audience.   How about landing on that huge flat space?  “We’re out of the frying pan, now let’s see if we’ve landed in the fire.”  Searching the island.  A skeleton falls from a tree.  Deserted Jap camp.  Egads, huge claw marks.   That can’t be good.  Suddenly the Japs have one of the girls.  It’s a standoff until a monster swoops down and takes one of the Japs.  So far the hairdos are holding up.  They take the Japs captive.  They can talk English part of the time.  There are some Zeros on the island (and they also have some Japanese fighter planes).  Please let us have a dog fight between them and some pterodactyls.  The OSS Colonel and the pilot (West) don’t get along, naturally.  Here’s the plan:  the kewpie doll girl (Hoodsy)  will fly a stripped down Zero to Australia to get help.  Piece of cake!  She knows how to fly a Japanese fighter.  West:  “You better make it or mama’s gonna kick your ass!”  There’s no ass to kick because kewpie gets “shot down” by a dino.  Damn, she was kind of cute.  West and the Colonel are still arguing.  They’ll soon be in love.  Hair and lipstick still holding up.  A small fire keeps the dinos away instead of attracting them.  Got to remember that.  They need fuel which is inconveniently  located in the middle of the monsters.  Drat!  The dinos are protective of their fuel dump.  They hit one with a flare and it drops on the fuel and sets off an explosion.  A soldier cocks his M-1.  He gets eaten by a dino that looks like Dale Dye.  Only three chicks left.  The Japanese have snooped around in the bomber and they know it contains a secret weapon.  The Japanese captain spent some time in America where he must have been friends with Oppenheimer.  The Colonel shoots him.  West has qualms about killing thousands of Japanese.  She’s not Truman.  They decide to take off at night.  Betsy and Vicky will fly escort.  They’re escorts, get it?  Hair and lipstick still okay.  Briefly dirty uniforms, clean again.  Cheesy chatter – just like “Red Tails”!  Two dinos land on Vicky’s plane and take her down.  West turns the bomber around to help Betsy.  A monster pokes its head through the bomb bay door.  It bites off the Colonels arm, but he drops the bomb on its head.  The Colonel follows the bomb down, but not coolly like on “Dr. Strangelove”.  Nuclear explosion!  Betsy shows up.  “That was one hell of a fire cracker you dropped”.  They fly into the horizon.

                This movie was not as bad as I expected.  The acting was not terrible.  The dialogue was not abominable.  The CGI was not ridiculous.  The chicks were okay looking but not hot.  Plus, I have a feeling it took liberties with history.  The bomb looked a little small.  By the way, I know you’re wondering where those dinosaurs came from.  I turns out the Japanese were digging around and exposed their eggs.  This doesn’t explain their metal claws.

                All things considered, not as bad as
 “Braveheart”.  And more historically accurate.
grade =  D 


  1. Saw it. Forgot it until I read your review. I like Braveheart.

  2. I can't stand "Braveheart". It is my great white whale.


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