Lately it seems like I’ve been watching a lot of marginal war movies. Since I respect guys who consider “The Thirteenth Warrior” to be a war movie, I decided to review it. I had seen it when it first came out on VHS. It was based on Michael Crichton’s book “Eaters of the Dead”. He loosely based his story on that of Beowolf. The movie was directed by John McTiernan (The Hunt for Red October), but when test audiences hated it, Crichton took over directing the reshoots. A new ending was added. The original score was dumped for a new one composed by Jerry Goldsmith. And the name was changed from that of the novel. The reshooting cost a lot of money and the budget ballooned to $160 million. When the movie made only $60 million, it became the biggest box office bomb of 1999.
The film is narrated by Ahmed (Antonio Banderas). He had been the court poet to a Caliph, but was banished for love of a woman. He is sent as an ambassador far to the north and encounters the Vikings. He witnesses a Viking funeral with a maiden accompanying the warrior to Valhalla. An oracle tells them that 13 warriors must go on a quest to help a Viking lord in a battle against an unnamed evil. One of the warriors must be a non-Viking! This is the first sign that the plot will have ridiculous elements. The second clue is Ahmed learns the Norse language in one night while listening to tales around the campfire. I don’t know why he bothered since from this point on, the Vikings are speaking English. They sail off in a longboat and when they arrive, they still have their horses. That’s right, they brought 13 horses in a longboat! When they reach the kingdom of Hrothgar, they learn that they will be helping fight the Wendol. They are cannibals and head-hunters. The 13 are gradually whittled down, as is to be expected. Luckily, every time the Wendol have them on the ropes, they withdraw. A foray into the enemy camp smacks of “The Seven Samurai” and the final battle is Alamoesque. It features a duel between Buliwyf (Vladimir Kulich) and the Wendol warlord.
This movie is a mess. I’d like to have seen the original cut. It’s hard to believe the reshoots improved it. Did the original insult our intelligence more? I know it’s just a movie and it’s not meant to be historical, but it could be smarter. It throws in some Viking culture for cachet. So, if it’s a fantasy, why do the supernatural demons turn out to be cavemen who are easy to kill? In for a penny (actually $160 million), in for a pound. Otherwise, you end up with silly.
The plot is sloppy. It should have had a fish out of water subplot, but Ahmed quickly becomes a Viking and leaves Islam behind. There is no debate of Allah versus the Norse gods. He teaches them nothing and they teach him little. He does become a great warrior with seemingly no training. Another subplot that is not developed is the requisite romance between Ahmed and a Viking maiden. There were no women in the test audiences? Did the men insist on lack-luster combat scenes? Even the trip into the cave lacks suspense, as does the final battle. It’s your basic slo-mo melee with lots of clanging. By the way, for you rivet counters, there is not a battle axe in shight.
Well, there it is, my review of a movie that I do not consider to be a war movie. It does have some of the tropes, but is better classified as an adventure film. A bad adventure film.
GRADE = D
I disagree on a few points. He doesn't learn viking in a day. It's over many days during their trek to the village. It achieves two things. 1. it shows how intelligent he is being a educated Islamic man. @. It makes it much easier for the subtitle hating audiences who flock to action films since in reality they are speaking in Viking the rest of the movie. The fantasy/supernatural aspect was a nod to the suspicious beliefs of the time as also shown with the arrival of the herald. I doubt any other foe would have taken their dead with them to create such confusion. The people really don't know anything about them except tidbits passed down from generation past. Ahmed doesn't leave Islam behind. He prays throughout the movie to Allah. He even teaches Buliwyf to write sort of. I wouldn't say he became a great warrior. He barely manages to survive his first fights. I would love to see an uncut version. In it, I'm sure is the developed romance among other things to develop the story. that I suspect got chopped by Crichton during one of the many editing sessions as it sat on the shelf for nearly 3 years before finally getting released..
ReplyDeleteYou have some good points that have made me thinking I should watch the movie again. But I have seen it twice and that is enough. I'll let you have the last word on it.
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