MACARONI COMBAT #4: The Legion of No Return (1969)

 

               “The Legion of No Return” (also known as “Bridge Over the Elbe”) is a classic Macaroni War movie out of Italy.  It stars Tab Hunter five years after he starred in one of my favorite childhood movies – “Ride the Wild Surf”.  The movie opens with Americans being ambushed at a bridge.  Hunter plays Sgt. Richards.  He has been tasked with destroying the bridge.  He has a squad of six which includes a GI with a pet chicken.  Another is a sad sack who will get a chance to prove himself, since this is a movie.  With no plan, they paradrop and immediately take a nap.  They take a mansion away from some Germans and inherit the two prostitutes who were entertaining the krauts.  One of them donates her slip for a wounded American.  Hubba, hubba!  When a large German unit arrives, they massacre them in hip-shooting machine gun style.  They move on to the bridge and it turns out that the girls are able to kick ass as well as peddle it.  We get more bloodless slaughter of the grenade pin pulling with the teeth variety.  We’ll have less than the original six commandoes to worry about by the time of the big explosion.

 

               “Legion” is not the worst of the subgenre.  It’s lifted a bit by Hunter who does not just phone in his performance.  He was better as a surfer, though.  The rest of the cast is worthy of an Italian war movie.  The movie just lays there.  There is a lot of walking, then stopping and talking.  There is not a lot of combat and what there is is not adrenaline pumping.  Although most of the squad does not survive, they manage to take a lot of Germans with them and this by painfully average GIs.  The movie is not exactly dripping with reality.  For instance, the mission to blow up the bridge is crucial in keeping the Soviets from crossing the Elbe and taking more territory! Remember that the movie was made in the Cold War and they were godless commies back then.  Besides lacking in entertainment value, the movie is a pain to watch with its poor editing and dubbing.  It might have its charms for Tab Hunter fans, but straight guys who love war movies might want to pass on it.

 

GRADE  =  D