NOW SHOWING: Battleship

        The latest opportunity for war movie buffs to see a movie in their favorite genre is “Battleship”. The movie answers that age old question: “why can’t they make a movie out of the board game Battleship?” (especially since “Clue” and “Jumanji” were so successful). Apparently Hollywood heard the tumult of pleading or the movie industry has run out of ideas.


       The movie begins with the discovery of an Earth-like planet and the undebated decision to send a message. They have to be peaceful, right? No one wants to listen to nerd, comic relief scientist Cal Zapata (Hamish Linklater) who likens the aliens to Columbus with Earthlings playing the Indians. Could he be prophetic? Meanwhile we meet the Hopper brothers. Stone (Alex Skargard) is a naval captain and Alex (Taylor Kitsch) is a screw-up. Could this be a redemption story? Stone joins the Navy and so should you because within months this loser is a lieutenant and in love with Brooklyn Decker (playing Megan Fox’s role). If that isn’t a reason to join the Navy, I don’t know what you high school boys want! Oh, by the way, “Sam” is the daughter of the crusty Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). He is very disappointed in the underachieving Alex. Unless something earth-shattering occurs, Alex has no chance to earn his respect. Hey losers hoping to marry up, pray for an alien invasion! About to be kicked out of the Navy (for unclear reasons), add another rosary.

        America is hosting an international naval exercise off Hawaii when the aliens arrive. What are the odds of the alien communications craft hitting a satellite and crashing into Hong Kong? Pretty high if this is a movie. Marvel at the destruction of Hong Kong.  $200 million buys a lot of explosions. The other four land near the fleet. The ships of Stone, Alex, and Nagata (Alex’s token foe) are sent to investigate. Alex (the weapons officer), Petty Officer radarwoman Raikes (Rihanna because Michelle Rodriguez was unavailable), and Chief Petty Officer Lynch, having never seen a Transformers movie, approach the alien craft in a motor boat. (Why these three would be sent is one of many, many good questions.) The aliens flee back to their planet. Just kidding. Being very poor guests they create a force field that separates the three destroyers from the rest of the fleet. They then lob shells at the destroyers. (The alien technology is either awesome or hohum. Witness their hopping ships. Frogs will be rooting for them.  On the other hand, they have these whirling balls of destruction.)  True Blood fans are going to be pissed. Guess who has now risen from burrito thief to captain? Join the Navy!

       They find a dead alien floating so we can see what they look like. Not very impressive. Oops, he’s alive. Suddenly he’s rescued. One stays behind to have a fist fight with the chief and get his head blown off by one of the ship’s guns fired by the feisty black chick. Join the Navy and learn to do everything. Thank goodness the aliens don’t use their superior technology to easily kill the pesky humans. They also inexplicably decide not to sink Alex’s ship. In fact, they cannot locate it in the dark since they did not grow up with “Battleship” board game training. This is for the best, I did not want to witness the reaction of the female audience to the deaths of both Skargard and Kitsch. It’s nice to be a guy because we do not have to worry about our sex objects dying in movies like this.

         At this point in a movie like this two things have to happen. The clock has got to start ticking to the “extinction level event” and an alien weakness must be discovered. Check and check. Hint: ETs want to phone home and they are not here to get a tan. Also, shouldn’t there be a tie-in to the board game. If you think there is no way to reference the game play without being ridiculous, you would be right. But you have to give the screenwriters credit for taking on that embarrassing task.

        That’s as far as I will go with the plot. You get the drift. Spoiler alert: the movie becomes a comedy! It’s hilarious. Don’t leave before the last fifteen minutes.  The movie has a gag reel before the closing credits.

         In conclusion, I looked forward to this movie because war movies are so rare these days. Be careful what you wish for. “Battleship” is terrible. I do not want to offend anyone, but you have to lack intelligence to enjoy it. I envy the average moviegoer because they can get away from the problems of today by going to entertainment like this. Let’s face it, “Battleship” is pretty typical of what Hollywood is blessing us with these days. Curse you above average intelligence! Why can’t I be a chump?

       In a later post I will specify the numerous clichés, improbabilities and outright absurdities that proliferate this movie. I literally laughed out loud at several insults to my intelligence. Sadly, most of the audience apparently was perfectly content with being insulted. It is incredible to me that any critic could give it a positive review and if I find out any of them gave it a positive review and dissed “Battle: Los Angeles”, I will ring their door bell and punch them in the face.

P.S. Producers of “Battleship”: your movie is clearly pro-military. I have no problem with that, but how clueless do you have to be to use the song “Fortunate Son” over the closing credits? John Fogerty must be laughing his ass off at the irony of that! Did you pay him to use the song? Was he smiling when you handed him the check?

P.S.S. Dear audience, as you are leaving the theater, please listen to the lyrics. The song contradicts tI respect the right of intelligent people to watch a movie just for the fun of it. I myself ocassionally enjoy a movie that has a ridiculous plot and bad acting. It is okay to enjoy this movie, but let noone argue that it is not a piece of crap. Enjoy it as a guilty pleasure and to give your brain a rest, but you have a serious problem if you feel it is quality entertainment. Here is my list of the most ridiculous elements (not including the acting and dialogue).

ADDENDUM  5/23/12

HOW RIDICULOUS IS IT?

1. The battleship Missouri is now a museum yet has live munitions on board.

2. The day before the invasion there was a ceremony that included veterans of the Big Mo and they hung around on the ship until needed to save the world.

3. The force field conveniently goes away for the final battles.

4. The only main character that dies is Stone Hopper.

5. One 500 pound shell from a WWII-era battleship not only accurately hits the communications site with no guidance system, it sets off multiple collateral explosions.

6. President Obama does not bother to attend any National Security Council meetings with the Earth threatened with destruction.

7. The Admiral describes the U.S.S. Missouri as the “greatest fighting ship in the history of the U.S. Navy”. Sorry, USS Enterprise and USS Constitution.

8. One of the sailors believes these odd craft with their force field are the North Koreans.

9. Aliens with very advanced technology can only hop their ships from one spot on the sea to another and their main defensive weapon is lobbing shells on opponents.

10. Even though the aliens have a problem with bright light, they have no ability to find a destroyer in the dark.

I know "it's just a movie", but why do we have to be insulted?

#39 - PORK CHOP HILL

BACK-STORY: “Pork Chop Hill” is arguably the most famous and best movie about the Korean War. It was directed by Lewis Milestone of “All Quiet…” fame.  PCH was his last war movie. It was released in 1959. The screenplay is based on the nonfiction book by the famous war author S.L.A. Marshall (SLAM). Gregory Peck’s character (Joe Clemons) acted as technical adviser on the film. Clemons was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross for the battle. The movie is populated by many familiar actors from the 1960s and includes a small role by Barry McGuire of future “Eve of Destruction” one hit wonder fame.


OPENING: GIs are listening to a Chinese propaganda broadcast coming over a loudspeaker system. They are living in trenches similar to WWI. The Chinese broadcaster promises if they give up, the Chicoms will quit, too. Screenwords tell us we are at a reserve position near Pork Chop Hill which is seventy miles from the peace talks being held at Panmunjom. The year is 1953.

SUMMARY: In the battalion command bunker, Lt. Clemons (Peck) gets orders to prepare his King Company for an assault on Pork Chop Hill. It has recently been lost to a Communist attack and the powers that be want it retaken. It will be his first command.

King Company wondering why it's always King Company

        Clemons’ men are understandably fixated on the peace talks. They are all anticipating the imminent armistice. One of Clemons’ men, Pvt. Forstman (Harry Guardino), is insistent that he has enough points to be rotated out of combat. No such luck, pal. Dead meat alert! Now they get this lousy assignment. Why is it always them to get the crap details?

Ohashi and Clemons

        The plan is to make a two platoon frontal assault up the hill in the dark with the third platoon held in reserve. Standard tactics. Clemons is assured that the preliminary artillery barrage will destroy all the concertina wire barriers. He’s also told he will be supported on his right flank by Love Company. Piece of cake! It may be easy as pie, but is it worth it? Clemons tells his skeptical executive officer Ohashi (George Shibata) that Pork Chop Hill is “a chip in the game at the peace talks. We have to convince [the Commies] we’re not going to give up any more chips.” That’s a pretty accurate analysis of the politics of it. In another piece of refreshing truth, Clemons comments that the Chicoms are good soldiers, especially at night. (That line would not have been used in “The Steel Helmet” which was made during the war.) The enemy is not demonized in this movie.

enemy in the trenches

         The assault is classic American bullheadedness. In line with bayonets fixed. The deaths are random. The terrain is like no man’s land. The soldier chatter is terse. The Chinese Tokyo Rose taunts King Company by name, welcomes them to “the meat grinder", and plays taps. The men begin to wonder how tasty that piece of cake is going to be. A black soldier named Franklin (Woody Strode) “twists his ankle”. Clemons is not buying that and forces the sullen soldier to proceed. When they reach the wire, surprise! It’s intact. To make matters worse, the Chinese open fire with bolt action rifles, burp guns, and potato masher grenades. Some of the men throw themselves on the barbed wire so their buddies can run over them. Could things get worse? American spotlights suddenly illuminate them from the rear. A desperate radio call gets them doused. Not only that but where the hell is Love Company?

Robert Blake as Pvt. Velie

         There is an awkward transition to daylight. Weirdly, they are now further from the Communist trenches than they were in the previous scene. The Chinese now give way too easily. The Chicoms launch a flank attack that fizzles for no apparent reason. King Company occupies the trenches tenuously having lost a large percentage of its men. They have a joyful reunion with the survivors of Easy Company who had taken refuge in a bunker. The reunion is cut short when an artillery round smashes into them. C’est la guerre.

Catch, Yankee dogs!

         Love Company finally arrives – all twelve (oops, artillery round – make that ten) of them. Clemons calls in his reserve platoon which uses a well staged bayonet charge to take the crest. Things calm down enough for some exposition from the stoically cynical Clemons. His discussions with his subordinates are realistically fatalistic. His radio calls to the rear demanding support are appropriately frustrating as the brass are clueless to the actual situation. This is hammered in by the arrival of a publicity officer sent to get the story of the glorious victory.  He brings a "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up.  Just kidding.

        Things seem to be looking up when Clemons’ brother-in-law Lt. Russell (Rip Torn) arrives with George Company. The back-slapping ends abruptly with word that the rear has ordered George to withdraw because they don’t want to lose any more men on the hill! Clemons is left with only 25 men to defend the whole hill. One of those men is Franklin who is still a reluctant warrior and in a confrontation with Clemons threatens to shoot him. Clemons tries to shame the coward into fighting alongside his comrades. Gregory Peck + 1950s movie + black guy can’t remain a coward + redemption theme = Franklin mends his ways.

        Meanwhile, back at Panmunjom, the inscrutable Chinese are obviously testing our strength with this fight over a worthless knoll. They are willing to expend lives over nothing. Are we? Clemons finds out the answer is yes when his requests for withdrawal or reinforcements are turned down. The Chinese broadcaster tells them the attack is coming in 45 minutes. Tick tock.

last stand

CLOSING: The fort is about to be swarmed by Indians. I mean the trench line is about to be assaulted by a Chinese horde. The Americans pull back to the keep, I mean the bunker. They bunker in, but the Chinese have a flamethrower. Unfair! This would be a good time for the cavalry to arrive. Sure enough (although they’re not on horses) reinforcements arrive and save our band of brothers (one of whom is alive meat Forstman). We win! We win! We get to possess the worthless hill!  (Hamburger Hill veterans can empathize with them.) “Millions live in freedom today because of what they did.” Seriously? Way to pull your punches, Milestone.

RATINGS:


Acting - 8


Action - 8


Accuracy - 9


Plot - 8


Realism - 8


Overall - 9

WILL CHICKS DIG IT? No. It is totally a guy movie. In fact there is only one woman in the entire film. A Chinese woman brings a note to the propaganda dude.  She's wearing a negligee.  Not really.

HISTORICAL ACCURACY: The movie could have used more background, complete with maps. The action portrayed in the movie took place after the fall of a more strategic hill called Old Baldy. That loss left Pork Chop Hill sticking out like a sore thumb in front of the main line of resistance and dominated by higher hills. This information would have been cogent to the plot because attempting to hold PCH was strategically and tactically unsound. The defense was purely to make up for the loss of Old Baldy and avoid another propaganda debacle. This makes the final post script ridiculous.

         The pre-battle situation and plan are accurately depicted. The attack itself is pretty close to the real deal which is to be expected given Clemons’ involvement as the technical advisor. They did cross the barbed wire on soldiers’ bodies. However, they were not under fire until they reached the trenches unlike in the movie. The discovery of survivors in a bunker and the subsequent short round did happen. The arrival of Love with only a dozen men and the later arrival of George led by Clemons’ brother-in-law are authentic. The withdrawal of George is correctly represented as brainless, but the movie does not make it clear that part of the fault was Clemons not mentioning the shortage of men when he begged for resupply.

        There were many more grenades thrown by both sides than shown in the movie and the artillery was also short-changed. This battle involved more artillery fire by our side than almost any American battle in history. It was almost continuous through the two days. Speaking of weapons, the movie is outstanding in that respect. Even the Chinese are using appropriate weapons. The movie does a poor job of portraying the incredible exhaustion of the men. In fact, this plus the lack of water meant that before the final enemy assault the Americans did not talk due to parched throats. Hollywood could not abide with that!

Hollywood loves fire

         The final scene is problematical. There was no dramatic rescue of King. The surviving seven were withdrawn before it happened. It was mainly Fox Company members that were laid siege to in the bunker. I found no evidence that a flame thrower was trying to cook them. You can’t fault Hollywood too much for this one. Simplification for dramatic effect.

         Overall, you are not going to get a more accurate view of the trench type warfare that dominated the last year of the Korean War.  Specifically, it is as accurate a depiction of one of the most famous battles of the Korean War as you could ask for.

CRITIQUE: “Pork Chop Hill” has been described as the best Korean War B-Movie. That’s not as impressive as it sounds considering the quality of those other Korean War B-Movies. (BTW why are almost all the Korean War movies low budget?) With that said, it is very good for what it is. The acting is solid. Not surprising considering the cast. Peck is Peck. Did he ever make a bad movie? Harry Guardino, Rip Torn, George Peppard, Robert Blake, the great Woody Strode. ‘Nuf said. The cinematography is a crisp black and white. The scenes are shot close. You seldom see more than a few men in the shot. The sound effects are realistic. The sound track is sparse and is not used to set moods. In spots, it reminded me of music from the series “Combat!” The sets are well done for a low budget effort. The dialogue is refreshingly cynical in its commentary on war.

Fedderson and Forstman

        The movie is clearly anti-war, but dilutes its message with the optimistic coda. It is gritty and authentic in its depiction of the randomness of death in combat. Forstman and Fedderson (George Peppard) are doing a fine impression of Rivera and Friedman (also machine gunners) from Milestone’s "A Walk in the Sun" before Friedman is blown up. The deaths are bloodless, but not old school. Noone signals touchdown as they twirl around and fall. It is not propagandistic or overly patriotic. In fact, the Chinese propaganda broadcaster is not a hissable villain nor is he comical.

         PCH is one of the best company level movies ever made. It is not a small unit dynamics movie ala “Platoon”. There is little dysfunctionality other than with Franklin (who is a fictional character). One fault of the movie is because it concentrates on such a small picture that some of the actions defy reality. Why do the Chinese who vastly outnumber the Americans give up so easily at times? It is hard to justify the American success given what we see on the screen.

           The biggest strength of the film is its historical accuracy. It is one of the best movies covering a battle. Considering the war is known as the “Forgotten War”, it is nice that a typical battle gets the featured treatment. It reminds one of “Hamburger Hill” in its battles-can-be-futile theme. It also has a similar take on how command decisions based on political factors can result in unnecessary squandering of lives.

CONCLUSION: “Pork Chop Hill” is underrated at #39. It is one of the most realistic battle films and one of the best small unit movies. Considering when it was made and the budget, it is clearly a classic. It holds up very well and if it had been made with the modern sensibilities that allowed for the realistic violence and language in "Hamburger Hill", it would be superior to that movie. It also deserves credit for representing the “Forgotten War” well.

the trailer

Chinese propaganda dude

FORGOTTEN GEM? Everyman's War

 

       “Everyman’s War” is a war movie made with a low budget that went straight to DVD. It was directed by Thad Smith and is the true story of his father Don who was with the 94th Infantry Division during the Battle of the Bulge. It was awarded “Best Narrative Feature” at the GI Film Festival in 2009. It is a sincere attempt to portray the combat experience.

         The film is set in Germany in January, 1945 outside the town of Nennig. Through flashbacks we are introduced to a squad of GIs. There is a farm boy, an Italian-American criminal, a husband and father, a gas station attendant of German ancestry, and a saw mill worker (Smith). They bonded on the troop transport on the way to Europe. Sample dialogue: “We’re going to war. We’re going to fight the Nazis.” “And we’re going to kill every last one of them.”

         The rest of the movie is basically your typical who-will-survive film. The answer to that question is – not many. When the German Ardennes Offensive breaks out, the squad is swept up in it. They are dug in when German tanks come at them. There is an intense firefight with lots of confusion (“the fog of war”). We see some of the action from the soldier’s point of view. Soon, Smith is on the run with most of his squad dead. He runs across a mine field and gets shot. He flashes back to his girlfriend at home. He gets up and stumbles back. A German decides not to shoot him (This is the second time he has gotten lucky like this.) He reaches the American line and the scene ends prematurely.

         The film closes with a touching scene of Smith back home in the present. He is now married to his sweetheart and reminiscing about his buddies.

        “Everyman’s War” is a low budget labor of love. It deserves credit for telling a soldier’s story. Unfortunately. the low budget impacts the quality of the film. The acting is average with Cole Carson as Smith doing a decent job. The combat scenes have a “Saving Private Ryan” feel to them and are not bad considering the budget. The script is problematic. Some of the dialogue is cheesy and there are some clichés that are lazy. For instance, the Italian-American who is a thief and scam artist. Also we get the classic guy who shows off a picture of his wife and kid and soon ends up dead. There is no real connection between the squad members. It is difficult to tell who dies when. A positive aspect of the film is its sympathetic depiction of the German soldiers. They are men just like us. They also speak their own language which is laudatory for such a low budget film.

        It pains me to rate this movie only a D. Thad Smith honored his father and his father’s generation with the film and it is a good effort. But the fact is that money does show up on the screen and not enough money went into this film. It is good, relatively speaking. Unfortunately, I am not reviewing its relative value. Sincerity is nice and for that reason I do recommend you watch this film. Just don’t expect “Glory”.

P.S.  Check out that poster.  Another example of a poster unrelated to the content of the movie.

GRADE  =  D

WAR CHICK FLICK: Yanks

        “Yanks” was directed by John Schlesinger and released in 1979. It is set in WWII England and is a wartime romance on the home front movie. It covers three relationships between Yanks and British birds. The Americans are stereotypes. Danny (Chick Vennera) is the sex-crazed one. Matt (Richard Gere) is the brash, but sensitive one. John (William Devane) is the veteran, married man.


        The movie opens with thousands of Yanks arriving in England to prepare for Operation Overlord. The British soon adopt the slogan: “oversexed, overpaid, and over here”. Danny and Matt get passes to the local town where they meet two girls at a movie. The period touches begin as we witness the movie audience sing to music from an organ and then watch a newsreel.

        Matt’s girl, Jean (Lisa Eichhorn), is close to an engagement to a British bloke and is not interested in a relationship with Matt. Is this the end of it? Have you seen any wartime romance movies? Being a brash American Matt shows up at Jean’s shop the next day. They become “just friends”. Jean’s family is big fans of her beau Ken (awkward!), but Matt wheedles his way in partly by bringing them scarce items. Complications ensue when Ken returns on leave and the engagement is finalized. Cliché alert: wartime love triangle! Matt gets drunk at a pub and starts a fight. Keep the clichés coming.

        Meanwhile, John has met an upper class woman named Helen (Vanessa Redgrave). They are both married, but her husband is away at war and his wife is on the other side of "the pond". They start as mature friends, but the sexual tension is there. Guess who wants to jump into bed more? Hint: not the starchy upper class dame. She eventually caves, but morals prevail in the end.

        Ken goes back to war and Matt and Jean resume their courtship. The relationship is warming up when they receive word of Ken’s death. How convenient. They go off for the weekend (Matt gets a lot of leave in this movie), but he can’t consummate. Guilt? The relationship has now come full circle.

         Oh, by the way, Danny marries Marlie. Their courtship was left on the cutting room floor, apparently. The movie was originally 165 minutes!

        “Yanks” is not that bad. It is certainly superior to "Hanover Street". The acting is good and Gere was cute when he was younger (so my wife tells me). The chemistry is fine in the two main relationships. The relationships are realistic. There are some interesting twists to make up for the stereotypes and clichés. The score is weak. It opens with some Disney comedy sounding tripe and progresses to schmaltzy romantic crap.

        The main strength of the film is the period touches. You get a good picture of the British home front. Some of the nice touches include: warm beer and darts in an English pub, swing music and the jitterbug at a dance, food queues (one orange each). On a similar note, the English accents are seemingly genuine to the point that the movie could have used subtitles in spots. Oh, and the British like to drink tea.

        In conclusion, “Yanks” is a good war chick flick. It is tolerable for men and most females will enjoy it.

Rating – 7/10

Spoiler alert:  the ending