CLASSIC or ANTIQUE? The Lost Patrol (1934)

 

                “The Lost Patrol” is a John Ford “who will survive in the outpost?” movie.  It is based on a novel entitled Patrol by Philip McDonald.  It was filmed in the Algodones Dunes of California.  The actors had to deal with 120 degree weather.  It was produced for $262,000 and made $583,000.  Did I mention it was made in 1934?  The movie was nominated for an Oscar for Musical Score by Max Steiner.  It is considered by some to be a minimalist masterpiece.  It is certainly minimalist in length at 73 minutes.

                The movie opens with a twelve man patrol trudging through the Mesopotamian desert during the Great War.  This could be the sandiest movie in history.  Bang!  There goes the only officer and the only person with a clue as to where they are going and why.  Our first clue that this is going to be a minimalist plot is the fact that the men of the patrol seem to care not at all about their dead officer.  Perhaps he was a jerk.  The Sergeant (Victor McLaglan whose brother starred in the original silent version and who served in the Irish Fusiliers in that same area and time) takes command and leads the patrol to an oasis.  For the Western obsessed Ford, this will stand in for a fort and the lurking Arabs will be the Indians.  When they reach the oasis, they all refuse to jump in the water and splash around gleefully.  Just kidding.

Okay, this time remember to not yell "Here come the Injuns!"

 

                This is a small unit dynamics movie.  The group is heterogeneous in an all-white sort of way.  With only 73 minutes available, we don’t get a lot of back-story on our crew.  Naturally one of them is a wolf who regales his mates with his conquests.  One is a naïve newbie.  One is a veteran father figure.  Obviously the Sergeant is gruff, but caring.  The one non-stock character is a Bible thumper named Sanders (Boris Karloff).  By the end of the film, Karloff has chewed all the bark off the palm trees. 

                They awake the next morning to find the newbie knifed to death and the horses gone.  Two down, ten to go.  The jovial guy climbs a palm tree and gets shot.  Dude, never climb a tree in a war movie!  They draw straws to see which two will go for help.  In the daylight.  Great plan, Sarge.  They return strapped to horses and mutilated.  Four down.  One of the survivors goes charging out for revenge – fail.  Five down.  Some more picking off by the amazingly proficient Arab snipers who never miss.  Three left.  Although we’re never told what the Arabs are upset about, we can assume they don’t like foreign occupiers drinking up their water.  Uncivilized bastards!

                A biplane spots them and proceeds to land and the pilot jauntily hops out.  Bonus death!  Is this movie a comedy?  It is laughable in spots.  Good thing the plane came along because how else would the Sergeant get a machine gun.    As anyone who has seen any of the British Imperial action movies (e.g. “The Lives of a Bengal Lancer”) knows, machine guns are the best for mowing down pesky natives.  Also, a burning plane makes a good smoke signal.  By the way, they don’t bother to check on the pilot when they go out to the plane.  Screw him, damned flyboy.

It says here that in a Lost Patrol movie
we each get picked off.  Damn!

                Before the cavalry arrives, Sanders completes his arc to complete insanity and goes toodling off with a cross (get it?) for a walking stick.  Sometimes in movies like this you get the irony of the insane guy surviving.  Not this movie.  Two left.  For God knows what reason, Morelli goes to Sanders and gets – well, you know by now.  Twelve Arab bullets – twelve British dead.  (Oops – one of them was knifed.)  Is Ford going all in and closing bleakly (and realistically)?  Did I mention the movie was released in 1934 and needed to recoup its $262,000?  I know I mentioned the machine gun.


          Finally we see the Arabs.  So does Sarge.  It’s payback time.  The Sergeant slaughters them while laughing hysterically (the only way to laugh when outnumbered) .  They are not getting (back) this watering hole!  The cavalry arrives.  Column rides off into the sunset – Western style.

Come at me camel jockeys!

                I have read reviews that call this a masterpiece.  Wrong!  “Classic” is a little more appropriate because it is old, John Ford, and influenced the subgenre.  Frankly, it’s neither a masterpiece nor a classic.  It is just flat out a bad movie.  Much of it is ridiculous.  Most of the actions of the patrol make no military sense.  The Sergeant is supposed to be a great leader, but he actually is a doofus.  Climb that tree.  Go out into the desert in broad daylight to get help.  There is a hilarious scene where the Sergeant and Morelli guard the perimeter from the same spot.  Lucky for them the Arabs are too stupid to use maneuver or attack from several directions at once.

                The movie is minimalist because it’s short and simplistic.  The acting is satisfactory except for the embarrassing performance by Karloff.   Someone must have told him he was in a silent movie.  The music is constant, but not bad in setting the mood.  It does not bludgeon you (like some of Steiner’s scores).  It is very Old School.  No blood or even bullet holes.

Dude, give it a rest, the cameras aren't running.

                Relatively speaking, “The Lost Patrol” is not a bad movie.  But I am not reviewing based on the relative merits of war movies.  I am reviewing based on how good the movie is compared to all war movies, not just war movies from its era.  With that said, this movie is bad.  If it was remade with the same script, it would be laughed out of the theaters.  Crispin Glover could play Sanders.

grade =  D


 

NOW SHOWING: The Monuments Men (2014)

                “The Monuments Men” is a movie about the previously little known MFAA (Monuments, Fine Arts, and Archives) program.  This unit was created by the Roosevelt Administration to protect and recover art works in WWII Europe.  The film was directed by George Clooney and is based on the book The Monuments Men: Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History by Robert Edsel.  It was filmed mainly in Germany.  The movie begins with the classic “based on a true story” claim. 

                The story starts with a prologue that establishes that the Nazis (in particular Hermann Goering) are looting art throughout occupied Europe.  The unit is the brainchild of an art conservationist named Frank Stokes (Clooney).  One selling point in his slide presentation to FDR  is a reference to what happened to the monastery at Monte Cassino.  Stokes recruits several colleagues (none of whom is reluctant to risk his life in what is clearly going to be a dangerous mission).  The recruitment is done without dialogue which is a nice touch, but negates much character development.  In a foreshadowing of the level of humor, one of the men gets a physical while smoking a cigarette and the doctor is smoking (and hacking), too.  The obligatory training sequence is mercifully short and inserted solely to establish that the guys can kill Nazis if necessary.  And they get to dress like soldiers.

"I'm putting together a unit and I need one hunk
for any romance breaks out"

                In his briefing of the six other unit members, Stokes points out that Hitler is looting art for his planned Fuhrer Museum in his home town.  In July, 1944 they land in Normandy and meet immediate resistance from the military.  It seems the Army is more interested in blowing things up than preserving art.  The idea of protecting sites is immediately nixed, but it’s okay for them to roam the front lines (and beyond) sans escort.  In particular, they are hunting the Ghent Altarpiece and Michelangelo’s statue “Madonna With Child”.  Along with these two subplots, Granger (Matt Damon) is sent to make contact with a French art historian named Claire Simone (Cate Blanchett) who works in a Paris museum which is the main conduit for French art being sent to Germany.  Claire is reluctant to confide in Granger because she suspects the U.S. of wanting the art for itself.  “How can I help you steal our stolen art?”  She is feisty and skeptical, but Granger is Matt Damon – you do the math. 

                The movie’s middle third is divided between the quests by segments of the unit.  Each is a little mini-war movie.  Campbell (Bill Murray) and Savitz (Bob Balaban) are tasked with the Ghent Altarpiece. Their relationship has the earmarks of a buddy film.  Garfield (John Goodman) and Clermont (Jean Dujardin) are sent out to get shot at.  The action scenes.  Jeffries (Hugh Bonneville) goes after the Madonna in Bruges.  The behind the lines scene.  Meanwhile, Stokes and his German interpreter Pvt. Epstein (Dimitri Leonidas) supervise and put leads together.  The detective story.  They discover that the Germans are hiding the art in various mines.  Oh, and the romance between Claire and Granger.  There’s something for everyone!



will these two art loving foes form a bond?  have you
never seen a buddy film?

                The last third deals with the mines as the crew is reunited.  Two races ramp up the suspense.  First, there is the Nero Decree which states that in the event of Hitler’s death, the Nazis are to destroy all the looted art.  Second, the Soviet Trophy Brigade is looting the looted art as reparation for all the damage done to the Soviet Union during the war.  This movie manages to have evil Nazis and Communist bastards.  In fact, the final set piece is a race to the last mine (and the Madonna) that, with the aid of clock-ticking music, has the audience on the edge of its seat as it frets over who will get possession of a statue.  Don’t watch this movie if you have heart problems!  (Which based on the age of my audience…)  The movie closes with a head-scratching cribbing from “Saving Private Ryan”.  This includes the “was it worth it?” query.

                This ain’t “Inglorious Basterds”.  It is more of a throwback to Old School war movies.  There is no cursing nor graphic wounds.  One main character stays loyal to his wife when tempted by an exotic mademoiselle.  The movie even manages to incorporate a Christmas song.  (Perhaps because the film was originally supposed to be a December release.)  The humor is far from cutting edge.  It is smile-worthy with some eye-rollers.  Even Murray’s character is subtle in this respect.  Fortunately, there are no unintentionally funny moments, although some of the plot enhancements are silly to anyone who is big on reality or does not like huge coincidences.  I’m talking about you - “mine scene”.

We were soldiers, too!

                The movie will probably be popular because of the cast.  Clooney chose well when he assembled his Oceans Seven.  They are all comfortably familiar actors.  It is hard to alienate an audience when you have Damon, Murray, and Goodman in your cast.  Kudos to Clooney for not dominating in his own movie.  The acting is fine, if unspectacular.  Clooney’s direction is workmanlike.  The cinematography features some off centered shots and multi-leveled compositions, but you won’t leave the theater marveling at what you have seen.  Clooney managed to round up enough period vehicles to give the movie a WWII war movie vibe.  There is little combat so the jury is out on his ability to stage war action.  In fact, the one brief fire fight is marred by an egregious disregard for common sense tactics by American soldiers.  There is also a sniper scene that is only saved from ridiculousness by the twist of who the German sniper turns out to be.

                The movie eschews cliches for the most part.  There is no command dysfunction and little conflict within the group, although we do get the trope of the authorities being uncooperative.  The unit is not heterogeneous.  You do get a redemption arc for Jeffries.  There is also something of a suicide mission, who will survive? feel to the plot.  Naturally, the script throws in the Jewish interpreter and Holocaust references like a cache of gold fillings.  We get two evil Nazis! One who inexplicably decides shooting at Clare with a luger from 50 yards is preferable to a firing squad for a French Resistance rat.  The other is the heinous heinie who kills one of the seven.  Hiss!   They keep popping up as those types tend to. 

Will Claire ever warm to James?  Have you never seen
a romance movie?

                “The Monuments Men” is what I sometimes call a WTF/WTF war movie.  This means it has scenes where you shake your head at what has to be complete crap and then you find out some of those scenes were actually accurate.  This film is a mixed bag and based on preliminary research I would have to say it is average for a “based on a true story” movie.  The Monuments Men unit did exist and was created to rescue as well as protect art.  However, it consisted of 350 men and women from 13 different countries.  The individuals did come from various art-related occupations and they did go through military training.  All the main characters but Clermont are based on real people, although the names have been changed.  Stokes is George Stout who was an art conservationist who played a main role in the creation of the MFAA and was one of the first to land in Normandy.  The other members never worked as a unit or even in pairs, as the movie depicts.  Claire was Rene Vallard and she is pretty accurately portrayed, including her reluctance to help the MFAA.  I seriously doubt the romance subplot is authentic.  The unit did learn about a cache from a dentist whose son-in-law was a former S.S. officer.  He did not have stolen art decorating his abode.  The Nero Decree was for real, but was never implemented.  No flamethrowers.  Hitler was planning on an art museum in his home town.  One of the mines did contain a huge quantity of gold that drew more press than the art recovery efforts.  As far as the deaths, one actual member was killed by a shell while moving an altarpiece.  The staging of both deaths is pure crap, but at least the movie does not have the men actively involved in combat.  For more details, wait for my upcoming “History or Hollywood” post.

It is hard for me to be too harsh with “The Monuments Men”.  It falls into my most valuable category of war movies – those that bring light to a little known, but deserving individual, unit, or event.  This category includes some great movies like “Glory”, but most are misfires like “Red Tails”.  Unfortunately, if the producer botches the effort, there is little chance for a redo.  (“Red Tails” being particularly disappointing as the rare second attempt after “Tuskegee Airmen” came up short.)  I think it’s safe to say there will no future films highlighting the MFAA.  “The Monuments Men” falls midway between “Glory” and “Windtalkers” (the two extremes) in quality.  If you want to watch a much superior movie on this subject, watch “The Train”.  And then remember that before there was George Clooney, there was Burt Lancaster.  Progress?

 

Grade =  C

 

 

WTF? Journey to Shiloh (1968)

                “Journey to Shiloh” is a small unit movie set in the American Civil War.  It may be about the war, but it looks a lot like a Western.  A crappy Western.  You know you are in trouble early when a cheesy ballad introduces each of the seven young Texans who are going to trek to Rchmond to enlist in the Confederate army.  Gee, they sure hope the fun isn’t over before they get there!  It is one of the stupidest openings in any movie I have seen.  A saloon fight one minute in confirms we are not going to be seeing anything special.  It is obvious this will be one of those “who will survive?” films.  I guessed three.

                The cast is filled with faces that will become familiar.  It’s nice to see they will all improve and hopefully they were able to erase this movie from their memories and their resumes.  James Caan plays the leader of the septet.  He is a hot head and a quick draw named Buck.  The boys have a series of encounters on their journey.  They attend a dance where they meet a slave family.  “We just folks, suh.  Only difference is we born to Col. Claiborne.”  Hopes we Southerners whup dem Yankees.  At least Buck seems uncomfortable with this dialogue.  They get kicked out of the dance for being “savages”. 

               When J.C. deserts, Buck insists on going get him because he took an oath.  He finds him in a crooked card game that results in the first of the seven to go.  Buck does nothing about the killing of his friend.  Next they run into an escaped slave and turn him over to the local sheriff.  Later they see him lynched outside town.  Hey, it’s the South, what are you going to do?   Keep going to fight for it.

                  Our heroes get tricked into enlisting in the Pensacola Greys led by the mean and strict Braxton Bragg (the only accurate thing in the movie).  They are off to Shiloh, but arrive one less as Lil Bit (Jan Michael Vincent) dies from sickness, but with his perfect hair unmussed.  Five left.  The Battle of Shiloh has been better reenacted with Lego figures than in this movie.  The tactics are ridiculous and the battle is flamingly inaccurate.  Todo (Don Stroud) dies of a chest wound.  Willie Bell (Harrison Ford!) and Eubie (Michael Burns) are killed off screen.  No great death scenes for them.  Now we’re two.

                Buck wakes up with his arm amputated.  Meanwhile, Miller (Michael Sarrazin) is holed up in a barn mortally wounded and charged with desertion.  Buck arrives so Miller can talk himself to death.  Then along comes Gen. Bragg who is impressed with Buck’s story of the Concho County Comanches and does not want them to go 0 for 7 so he let’s Buck go.  (Scratch that comment about Bragg being accurately portrayed.)  OMG another cheesy ballad reprises their deaths! 

                This is a terrible movie.  It is one of the worst war movies I have seen since I started this blog.  What is it about the Civil War that there are so few quality movies?  “Journey to Shiloh” looks like a made for TV movie – a very bad made for TV movie.  James Caan is good, but the rest of the cast are bad.  The film is corny, trite, and cheesy. Not to beat a dead horse, but the Springfield Trapdoor models used in the film were not available until 1879.  Also, none of the actors have facial hair.  Good research, Mr. Director.

             Check out that epic poster!  They "left in blazing glory!"  Not. 

grade =  F

CRACKER? HART’S WAR (2002)

                “Hart’s War” is a POW / court room hybrid.  It’s like a mash-up of “A Soldier’s Story” and “The Great Escape”.  It is based on a novel by John Katzenbach.  It was directed by George Hoblit.  It was filmed at a studio in Prague.

                Hart (Colin Ferrell) is a green staff officer who has no worries about combat because he is a Senator’s son.  Unfortunately, the Battle of the Bulge sneaks up on him (it is quieter in this movie than others) and he gets taken captive by some of those Germans-disguised-as-Americans.  Within a two minute section, the movie also manages to toss in a reference to the Malmedy Massacre.  I was surprised they didn’t throw in McAuliffe saying “Nuts!”

Instead of the usual play, why don't we stage a
murder trial to break the boredom?

                Hart is interrogated by your typical suave Nazi.  He wants to know where the fuel dumps are.  You know, like the one at the end of  “Battle of the Bulge”.  Does Hart talk?  Unsure.  He is put on a POW train which passes by a train full of Jews.  Check that reference off.  At one point a P-51 strafes the train in a scene reminiscent of the crossing the Volga scene in “Enemy at the Gates”.  There are explosions, quick cuts, and generally frenetic running about.

                When Hart arrives at Stalag VI A, he is greeted by the sight of three Russian prisoners hanging.  The German commandant Col. Visser (Marcel Iures) is evil and the opposite of Col. Klink.  The ranking American officer is Col. MacNamara (Bruce Willis) who suspects Hart ratted out the fuel dumps and it turns out he’s right.  This conveniently results in Hart being relegated to an enlisted man’s barracks so the movie can move in a new direction. The plot is roiled by the arrival of two Tuskegee Airmen.  Would you believe they are not welcomed by the white soldiers?  In particular, a loathsome cracker named Bedford (Cole Hauser) who plants a tent spike in the bunk of one of the blacks which results in his execution.  Guess what racist ends up dead with the other black named Scott (Terrence Howard) standing over him?  In between we get the CGI spectacle of a German fighter getting shot down into the camp.  Cool.  Oh, did I mention the American fighter has its tail painted red?

Hey Southerners, look who came to
our slumber party!

                McNamara insists on a court-martial for Scott because he is accused of killing an American.  This is intended as a distraction to cover an escape attempt.  Visser agrees to this because… I’m not sure.  McNamara appoints Ferrell as defense attorney because…I’m not sure.  Visser helps Hart by giving him an American court-martial manual (which he keeps on his shelf next to his copy of Mein Kampf).  He does this because… I’m not sure.

                In the trial, Scott gets called to the witness stand so he can break the fourth wall and give a speech about mistreatment of blacks which mentions the better treatment of German POWs in the American South.  I would have squirmed if I did not know all this stuff already.  The speech is not maudlin and actually works pretty well.  McNamara is put on the witness stand so Willis can do his Jack Nicholson (“A Few Good Men”) imitation.  While all this is going on McNamara is supervising a tunnel to launch a raid on a nearby munitions camp.  The trial is just a distraction.  By the way, try not to be distracted by the fact that the destruction of the munitions plant would most likely rain executions on the prisoners.  No one argues whether it’s a good idea.  The movie closes strong with intercutting between the summations in the trial and the escape.  I won’t give away any of what happens, but it is pretty powerful if implausible.

a Nazi, a Democrat, and a Republican

                “Hart’s War” is a war movie for people who do not care about war movies.  It is aimed at the generic audience.  The producers appear to have doubted whether a regular prisoner escape movie would be profitable so they added a court room drama and then threw in a Tuskegee Airmen / Red Tails subplot so the film could have some gravitas.  The fact the movie did not do well at the box office tends to show that you shouldn’t structure a war movie based on demographics.  With that said, it is not a bad movie.  It is entertaining, if you can suspend disbelief and just sit back and watch.  The acting is good.  Willis is strong and seems to have bought into the character.  Ferrell is adequate.  Visser is sufficiently malevolent.  Terrence Howard should be able to play a Tuskegee Airmen in his sleep at this point.  The characters are not one-dimensional.  The dialogue is fine. 



                The major flaws in the movie are due to aiming at a mass audience.  The themes are trite.  Redemption of Hart from being a rat.  Sacrifice for your country and men (McNamara).  Honor is more important than life (Scott).  The biggest problem is that in order to develop the themes, the script has to pile on implausibilities and unrealities.  For instance, the whole opening scene where Hart is captured is absolutely ridiculous to anyone familiar with the Battle of the Bulge.  Even small touches can be aggravating.  In the trial, Scott claims to have shot down nine German planes in thirty missions.  No Red Tail came close to that figure.  Some cool twists partly make up for the predictability of the themes.  Another balancing factor is the production values are strong.  The camp is one of the best in the subgenre.  Real effort went into it.  The tunnel is also well done and similar to that of “The Great Escape”.  However, I’m not sure if reminding people of “The Great Escape” is a good idea when your movie is much inferior.

 

                Cracker?  Unlikely.  It is not even in the upper rank of POW movies.

 

GRADE =  B-