HOMER vs. HOLLYWOOD: Troy

1.        Agamemnon has united Greece into a loose alliance except for Thessaly. 

2.       Achilles is a soldier in Agamemnon’s army.  They dislike each other.  He fights a duel with Thessaly’s champion. 

3.       Achilles main motivation was to be remembered. 

4.       Paris and Hector visit Menelaus to negotiate a treaty.  Hector elopes with Helen. 

5.       Agamemnon uses the elopement as an excuse to destroy Troy and control the Aegean Sea. 

6.       Odysseus visits Achilles to recruit him

7.       Achilles’ mom tells him he can live long and be forgotten or die a glorious death. 

8.       Briseis is a priestess of Apollo and cousin to Paris and Hector. 

9.       Hector wants Priam to send Helen back, but he refuses. 

10.    Achilles lands first.  His men form a testudo.  The Myrmidons force the Trojans to retreat.  Achilles sacks the temple of Apollo.  He confronts Hector, but lets him go so he can fight another day. 

11.    Achilles and Agamemnon argue over who gets credit for the victory. 

12.    Agamemnon takes Briseis away to show who is boss. 

13.    Paris ends a debate on what to do by proclaiming his desire to duel Menelaus. 

14.    Achilles sulks over the loss of Briseis and forbid his men to fight. 

15.    Menelaus and Paris duel between the armies.  Menelaus easily wins, but Paris flees to Hector.  Hector kills Menelaus.  A big battle ensues with Trojan archers turning the tide.       

16.    Hector kills Ajax.

17.    Agamemnon returns Briseis to Achilles.  She and Achilles have sex.  Achilles still refuses to return to the fighting. 

18.    The Trojans attack at night using fire balls. 

19.    Patroclus leads a counterattack disguised as Achilles.  Hector kills him thinking he is Achilles. 

20.    Achilles duels Hector after calling him out.  Hector asks for a proper burial, but Achilles sneers at his request.  Achilles stabs Hector in the shoulder and finishes him with his sword.  He then drags the body back to the Greek camp. 

21.    Priam visits Achilles to beg for his son’s body. 

22.    Odysseus builds the Trojan Horse from ship timbers. 

23.    Paris wants to burn the horse, but Priam decides to bring it into the city.

24.    Odysseus and Achilles are in the horse.  They kill the sentries to let the Greek army in.    

25.    Paris gives the Sword of Troy to the young Aeneas. 

26.    Andromache and Helen escape. 

27.    Agamemnon kills Priam by stabbing him from behind. 

28.    Achilles works his way to Briseis.  Briseis kills Agamemnon.    

29.    Paris shoots Achilles in the ankle and then several other places.   

30.    Paris and Briseis escape.   

31.    The war lasts 17 days. 

THE ANSWERS

1.       Agamemnon has united Greece into a loose alliance except for Thessaly.  HOMERWOOD  Agamemnon was the dominant king among the Greek kings.  A war with Thessaly is made up for the movie.

2.       Achilles is a soldier in Agamemnon’s army.  They dislike each other.  He fights a duel with Thessaly’s champion.  HOLLYWOOD  Achilles was not in Agamemnon’s army.  There is no evidence that they disliked each other before the Briseis conflict.  The duel is pure Hollywood.  Achilles would have used a spear, not a sword and would not have leaped in the air to stab an opponent in the neck.

3.       Achilles main motivation was to be remembered.  HOMER  Every great Greek warrior would have been motivated by the desire for arête.  In this context, it refers to excellence in combat and fulfilling your potential.  Achilles is properly depicted as fighting for glory.

4.       Paris and Hector visit Menelaus to negotiate a treaty.  Hector elopes with Helen.  HOMERWOOD  Paris had been promised the most beautiful woman in exchange for choosing Aphrodite in a beauty contest.  He was supposedly visiting Sparta as an ambassador, but was really there to claim his bribe.  Menelaus was away from home when the two hooked up.  Helen does elope with him, but she might have been under a love spell from Aphrodite.

5.       Agamemnon uses the elopement as an excuse to destroy Troy and control the Aegean Sea.  HOLLYWOOD  Agamemnon got involved because his brother Menelaus reminded him of his (and the other Greek kings’) pledge to go to war over Helen.  If there was an actual war, it would have been more of a raid rather than an attempt to conquer.

6.       Odysseus visits Achilles to recruit him.  HOMERWOOD  Odysseus was sent to get Achilles who was trying to avoid the fighting (as per his parents’ wishes) by hiding out disguised as a female amongst a group of gals.  Odysseus tricks him into revealing his maleness by including weapons among his gifts for the ladies.

7.       Achilles’ mom tells him he can live long and be forgotten or die a glorious death.  HOMERWOOD  There was no goodbye scene between the two, but his mother would have been aware of the prediction that Achilles was destined to die a young, but glorious death.  She had tried to keep him from the war, but he would have preferred the glorious death, plus the peer pressure.

8.       Briseis is a priestess of Apollo and cousin to Paris and Hector.  HOLLYWOOD  Briseis was not related to the royal family.  She was a princess of Lyrnessus.  Her husband and family had been killed in a raid by Achilles.  The priestess of Apollo was Chryseis who had been taken by Agamemnon.  She was a priestess of Apollo.  Apollo inflicted a plague on the Greek camp which resulted in Agamemnon releasing her and claiming Briseis as his backup concubine.   

9.       Hector wants Priam to send Helen back, but he refuses.  HOMERWOOD  There is no evidence that Hector urged this.   It was suggested by an advisor named Centenor, but Paris refused to consider it and his father backed him up.

10.    Achilles lands first.  His men form a testudo.  The Myrmidons force the Trojans to retreat.  HOLLYWOOD  It was prophesied that the first man ashore was destined to die.  That man was Protesilaus who was promptly killed by Hector.  The formation called a testudo was invented by the Romans many years later.  The Trojans did retreat from the beachhead, but it was a combined effort by the Greeks and the Myrmidons are not singled out in the legend.

11.    Achilles sacks the temple of Apollo.  He confronts Hector, but lets him go so he can fight another day.  HOLLYWOOD  This might be based on the sacking of Apollo’s temple which resulted in the capturing of Chryseis, but otherwise it is bull shit.

12.    Achilles and Agamemnon argue over who gets credit for the victory.  HOLLYWOOD  The argument started with a rant by Achilles about not getting enough of a share of the spoils.  Agamemnon tells him to go home, the Greeks don’t need him.  He accuses him of being arrogant and hot-headed which was pretty spot-on.

13.    Agamemnon takes Briseis away to show who is boss.  HOMER  Agamemnon needed a replacement for Chryseis, but part of his motivation was to show Achilles who had the power.    

14.    Paris ends a debate on what to do by proclaiming his desire to duel Menelaus.  HOMERWOOD  Before one of the battles, Paris gets the bright idea to challenge the best Greek warrior to a duel.  When Menelaus jumped at the chance, Paris has a change of heart.  Hector accuses his brother of cowardice and shames him into fighting 

15.    Achilles sulks over the loss of Briseis and forbid his men to fight.  HOMER  The movie leaves out the role of the gods so it does not cover Achilles having his mother convince Zeus to help the Trojans win.  Achilles was a true patriot!

16.    Menelaus and Paris duel between the armies.  Menelaus easily wins, but Paris flees to Hector.  Hector kills Menelaus.  A big battle ensues with Trojan archers turning the tide.  HOLLYWOOD  Paris throws a spear which bounces off Menelaus’ shield.  Menelaus throws his spear which penetrates Paris’ shield and almost kills him.  Menelaus sword breaks, but he begins pulling Paris back to the Greek line by his helmet.  Aphrodite cuts the helmet chin strap and deposits him in bed with Helen.  Athena gets a Trojan to wound Menelaus with an arrow to reignite the war.  Hector does not kill Menelaus!     

17.    Hector kills Ajax.  HOMERWOOD  Hector proposed a truce and duel with a Greek champion.  Ajax was chosen by lot.  Both threw spears twice, then rocks, then closed with swords.  Heralds from each side parted them and they exchanged gifts.  Ajax actually died from suicide after Achilles died and Agamemnon awarded his armor to Odysseus.  Ajax lost his mind and fell on his sword.

18.    Agamemnon returns Briseis to Achilles.  She and Achilles have sex.  Achilles still refuses to return to the fighting.  HOMER  Despite having had her family killed by him, Briseis developed feelings for Achilles.  They probably were having sex, although he had several other concubines.  She certainly grieved over his death.

19.    The Trojans attack at night using fire balls.  HOLLYWOOD  Do I have to tell you that this is bull crap?  When Hollywood can’t justify explosions, fire is the next option.  There is a germ of this in the Trojan daytime assault that burned at least one of the parked ships.

20.    Patroclus leads a counterattack disguised as Achilles.  Hector kills him thinking he is Achilles.  HOMERWOOD  Achilles allowed Patroclus to borrow his armor and take the Myrmidons.  He even tells Patroclus not to fear Hector.  The Myrmidons led the counterattack that evicted the Trojans from the camp.  Patroclus killed several Trojan heroes.  Hector knows it’s Patroclus.  Apollo confuses Patroclus and he is stabbed from behind by a Trojan, Hector finishes him with a spear thrust from in front.  When Achilles is informed, he regrets staying out of the fighting and vows revenge.  His mother goes to Hephaestus to make new armor.  Briseis is returned at this point.

21.    Achilles duels Hector after calling him out.  Hector asks for a proper burial, but Achilles sneers at his request.  Achilles stabs Hector in the shoulder and finishes him with his sword.  He then drags the body back to the Greek camp.  HOMERWOOD  Achilles initiates his revenge mission by leading the Greeks into battle.  He searches the battlefield for Hector who is hanging back.  Hector approaches after Achilles kills one of his younger brothers.  He is wearing Achilles’ original armor.  Athena deflects Hector’s spear and then Apollo engulfs Hector in a mist so Achilles cannot strike him.  Achilles rampages over the battlefield killing so many Trojans that the survivors retreat into the city except for Hector.  When Achilles nears, Hector loses his nerve and runs away.  Achilles chases around the city four times.  Athena tricks Hector into making a stand by pretending to be his brother who will have his back.  Before the duel commences, Hector proposes they treat each other’s corpse with respect.  Achilles scorns the deal.  Achilles throws his spear and misses.  Hector’s spear bounces off Achilles’s shield.  Athena gives Achilles back his spear.  Hector closes with his sword, but Achilles stabs Hector in the neck and kills him.  Priam and Hecuba watch from the wall. Achilles ties Hector’s body to the back of his chariot and drags it around the city and eventually back to his tent.

22.    Priam visits Achilles to beg for his son’s body.  HOMER  This scene actually happens twelve days after the duel.  Achilles is feasting with his friends when Priam arrives.

23.    Odysseus builds the Trojan Horse from ship timbers.  HOMER  It was Odysseus’ idea, but probably constructed from wood from a sacred tree.

24.    Paris wants to burn the horse, but Priam decides to bring it in.  HOMERWOOD  Paris is no longer around to offer advice.  A Trojan named Laocoon tries to warn about the “gift”, but a sea serpent sent by Posiedon silences him and helps convince Priam that the offering to Athena should be brought into the city.

25.    Odysseus and Achilles are in the horse.  They kill the sentries to let the Greek army in.  HOMERWOOD  Achilles is not alive at this point, but his son Neoptolemus is one of the horse fetuses.  They do kill the sentries and open the gates for the Greek army and the sacking begins. 

26.    Paris gives the Sword of Troy to the young Aeneas.  HOLLYWOOD  There was no “Sword of Troy”.  Aeneas was one of the greatest Trojan warriors, not an unknown boy.

27.    Andromache and Helen escape.  HOLLYWOOD  Andromache was enslaved, but her and Hector’s son was murdered.  Menelaus intended to kill Helen, but her beauty made him reconsider and they lived happily ever after.

28.    Agamemnon kills Priam by stabbing him from behind.  HOMERWOOD  Neopotolemus kills Priam.

29.    Achilles works his way to Briseis.  Briseis kills Agamemnon.  HOLLYWOOD  Achilles is dead at this time.  Agamemnon survives the war, but is killed by his wife Clytemnestra when he is taking a bath upon his return to his palace. 

30.    Paris shoots Achilles in the ankle and then several other places.  HOMERWOOD  Paris had earlier been killed by an arrow shot by Philoctetes.  Before this, he had shot Achilles in the heel with a poison arrow having learned of Achilles’ vulnerable spot from one of his sisters who had cozied up to Achilles to get revenge for the death of Hector. 

31.    Paris and Briseis escape.  HOLLYWOOD  Briseis ends up with one of Achilles’ men. 

32.    The war lasts 17 days. HOLLYWOOD  It actually lasted ten years, which is known to anyone with half a brain.

RATING  =  40.3

CRACKER? Troy (2004)

                I recently taught “The Iliad” for the fortieth time in my Western Civilization class, so I decided to rewatch “Troy” and review it with an eye to how close the movie retells the epic poem.   It seems appropriate that a web site that reviews war movies should examine a movie based on the first war story in Western literature.  Before you say “what took you so long?”, I want to point out that I did review the movie as part of my Best War Movie of the 21^st Century Tournament.  (It defeated “The Last Samurai”, but lost to “Master and Commander”.)  This review will concentrate on the plot. So if you haven’t read “The Iliad” - spoiler alert.  And, come on, get that off your bucket list!  And, if you think watching this movie takes the place of reading Homer’s incredibly long poem, think again.  (But high school students trying to avoid reading the poem and using my review instead, you’re welcome!)

                “Troy” is actually the story of the entire Trojan War whereas “The Iliad” covers just six months in the ninth year.  A title card introduces the movie with background information pre-war.  King Agamemnon (Brian Cox) has united the Greek cities into a loose alliance, except for Thessaly. His brother Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson) is negotiating peace with Princes Hector (Eric Bana) and Paris (Orlando Bloom) of Troy. While the King of Sparta is making peace, his brother is making war with Thessaly.  Instead of a bloody battle, it is decided that each army will put up a champion for a duel.  Agamemnon’s champ is Achilles (Brad Pitt), which is awkward because they despise each other.  The duel ends with Achilles doing his signature move.  Meanwhile, back in Sparta, Menelaus’ wife Helen (Diane Kruger) is showing Paris more than the normal hospitality.  This could end up ramming (this is Ancient Greece) the peace treaty.  Especially when Helen elopes with Paris.  When Hector finds out, he decides bro and his ho before the entire population of Troy.  Menelaus goes crying to big brother, who uses the cuckolding as an excuse to conquer Troy.  If that is going to happen, the Greeks will need their main man Achilles.  Odysseus (Sean Bean) convinces Achilles to accompany the expedition in spite of it being suicidal for Achilles.  Achilles’ mother points out that it is better to die a glorious death and be remembered forever than to provide her with grandchildren.  Odysseus points out that since he is being played by Sean Bean, he is committing suicide also.

the move - as described by Homer

                Achilles leads the beach assault.  He and his Myrmidons avoid the fire arrows by getting into a testudo.  Romans, take note.  Achilles is a killing machine and the entire Trojan army retreats from him.  To add insult to injury, he desecrates the Temple of Apollo.  Hector rides to the rescue and finds out why Achilles is the J.J. Watts of the Greek army.  Achilles nobly spares Hector’s life because it is too early in the movie for that duel.  Or as Achilles puts it:  “It’s too early in the day for killing princes”.  The victory celebration is marred by Achilles and Agamemnon debating who deserves credit for the win.  Agamemnon’s argument is the king determines who gets the credit – and that would be me.  Achilles responds with:  “War is young men dying and old men talking”.  Oh, snap!  To emphasize where the power lies, Agamemnon insists on taking a beautiful captive girl named Briseis (Rose Byrne – Angelina Jolie not available?) away from Achilles and makes it clear she will not be just dusting his tent.  Achilles is so upset he says “you sack of wine!”  He’s more of a physical fighter than a verbal taunter.  Until his sex slave is returned, he will not kill any more thousands of Trojans.

                At a Trojan council meeting, Paris stops the debating by proposing a duel with Menelaus to end the war.  (The royal family rushes to place bets on Menelaus.)  The duel between the vengeance-minded brute and the wimpy, ladies-man goes as you would expect.  End of war and end of movie, right?  Except that the winner dies and the war continues with a phalanx battle.  Trojan archers from the city walls turn the tide and the Greeks retreat.  This would never have happened if Achilles were here, so Agamemnon returns Briseis who is so grateful to have that weight lifted from her chest that she falls in love with Achilles. Good sex is not enough to rekindle Achilles' blood-lust.  A night attack using fire-balls (Spartacus take note) puts the Greeks on the brink of having to accept that a semi-hot chick might not be returning with them.

                When the daylight comes, Achilles best buddy Patroclus (Garrett Hedlund) sneaks off in Achilles’ armor and leads a counterattack.  Like on a playground, everyone gathers around for the duel between the faux Achilles and Hector.  Patroclus may look like Achilles, but…  Achilles is not going to take this well.  But on the plus side, Achilles will stop his pouting and return to slaughtering.  But first, he has some unfinished business with Hector.  Achilles calls Hector out (literally) and they have the type of fight that you would expect from two superstar actors who refuse to use stuntmen and rely on robotic choreography.  The duel turns when Hector trips over the only rock located on the plain outside Troy.  In a great act of poor sportsmanship, Achilles drags the corpse back to the camp.  ( I assume this was not in the original script, but was an idea that came to the ever-competitive Pitt.)  Later, King Priam (Peter O’Toole) comes to beg his son’s body back and prove that he can still act circles around these young whippersnappers.  Patroclus is cremated in the third funeral pyre scene in the movie.  At this rate they are going to run out of coins to put on eyes.  This, by the way, is where “The Iliad” ends, but the movie goes on to conclude the war because too many theatergoers have money riding on who wins the war.

ladies, he wants you

                Odysseus (Sean Bean is still alive!) gets a bright idea for a way into the city.  The horse does look like it was built from ship timbers.  Nice prop!  Paris wants to burn it, but being the most unpopular man in Troy, no one listens.  During the night, Achilles and other sneaky Greeks initiate the sack of Troy.  Achilles is not interested in the fun stuff – looting, raping, killing.  He is on a quest to rescue Briseis.  Andromache and Helen escape, along with Aeneas – a character introduced so intellectuals can feel superior to the rest of the audience.  Google him.  Agamemnon stabs Priam in the back (literally).  And as though that does not bring enough hisses, he moves on to abusing Briseis.  She stabs him in the neck.  It’s like a gift for her boy-friend Achilles.  But before he can thank her, Paris puts an arrow in his ankle.  Lucky inaccurate shot!  The next three shots are more accurate.  Who wants to see Achilles die from an errant arrow to the ankle?  Paris and Briseis escape.  He knows a way out – he would!  Another funeral pyre.  Sean Bean survives!  Maybe there will be a sequel featuring Odysseus.  Is there a story that could be adapted into a screenplay?

a Trump rally

                My belief is that a movie should improve upon the book it is based upon.  “Troy” is a mixed bag in that respect.  It jettisons the ridiculous role played by the gods in the war, but then the screenplay changes the deaths of virtually every main character and messes with the ending in a move purely aimed at satisfying the audience.  In many ways the movie treats the audience as dummies.  This includes the simplistic theme of glory equals immortality.  This differs from Homer’s theme of “the wrath of Achilles” because Brad Pitt can’t be seen playing a jerk.  In reality, Achilles is one of the great heels in history.  The movie plays into the common ignorant belief that he was a hero.  For this reason, Pitt’s Achilles does not commit atrocities like cutting the throats of twelve prisoners at Patroclus’ funeral as he does in “The Iliad”.  The transformation of Achilles to an empathetic, lady-rescuer is laughable.   Although Achilles is not quite the brute of “The Iliad”, the other characters are spot on in their personalities.  The movie insists on making Agamemnon into a supervillain which is beyond Homer’s depiction of him as a dick.  The cast is all-star and they do a good job.  At least the men do, the female characters are weaker.  The biggest problem being the key role of Helen.  A little known Diane Kruger was cast and she is not up to playing the most beautiful woman in the Ancient World.  (Why not the modern “face that launched a thousand ships” – Jennifer Anniston?  Another case of a Pitt veto?)

she's pretty, but a thousand ships?

                “Troy” has all the strengths and weaknesses of an epic.  Director Wolfgang Petersen (“Das Boot”) knows how to make crowd-pleasing, big budget blockbusters.  He uses CGI well for the fleet and army scenes, but there are still a lot of extras in the film.  The sets are kitschy.  Basically what a modern interior designer imagined a Trojan palace would have looked like.  The dialogue matches the look.  It is pompous and heavy-handed.  “I will remember your name”.  (Because that is the theme of this movie.)  “I hate Achilles”.  (In case my scowl is not clear enough.)  The cinematography is showy.  There is a tracking shot over the beach that cribs from “The Longest Day”.  There is a sudden appearance of POV when Paris fights Menelaus.  Petersen can’t force explosions in, but he does manage to get rolling fire balls.  (Fire – the go-to effect until Alfred Noble revolutionized action movies.)  The score is what you would expect.  James Horner took over after test audiences found Gabriel Yared’s work too old-fashioned. I found Horner’s work too “Enemy at the Gates”.  Is it okay to plagiarize from yourself?  He actually was accused by some critics of stealing from several classical composers.

                As a combat film, the movie is visceral, but anachronistic.  If you read Homer, most of the fighting involves individual duels.  The movie stops to reenact the key duels, but the rest of the combat is basically a Hollywood melee.  The Greeks did not fight this way at that time.  The movie also pays lip service to the use of chariots, but in the “Iliad” every prominent warrior used a chariot to move to and retreat from the battlefield.  The role of archery is ginned up because Hollywood loves blizzards.  Hollywood also loves twists.  This explains why the Homer-challenged are fooled into thinking Hector has killed Achilles.  One good thing about the combat is it is not repetitive, like in Homer.  Each battle scene is different.  And they are spaced out so the movie does have a nice flow and no long boring stretches. 

"it's not so bad - dying, the gods know I've
done it enough times"

                “Troy” will not make my 100 Best War Movies list.  It is a great example of how Hollywood tampers with classic literature to make it more appealing to modern audiences.  I will be doing a “Homer vs. Hollywood” post in the future, but as a preview, “Troy” is far from a Cliff Notes version of “The Iliad”.  Please do not watch it and then take reading “The Iliad” off your bucket list.

GRADE  =  C