WHERE DIRTY HEROES DARE: Episode 4

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

 

EPISODE 4

Act I, Scene 3 –a barracks at a secret base

A corporal knocks on a door. Within a Spartan room is a grizzled drill sergeant. There is a portrait of Queen Victoria on the wall. The sergeant hastily puts away a copy of “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”.

HARTMAN: Come in.

JAECKEL: [sneering] The new crop is here, sarge.

HARTMAN: Okay. “Orientation” time.

They march into the bunk area where the misfits have assembled.

*** I’m sure you will recognize the scene. I have replaced the cursing with their equivalent from the 19th Century.

HARTMAN: I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your Senior Drill Instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy privies will be "Sir!" Do you nackle-asses understand that?

RECRUITS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Thunderation! I can't hear you. Sound off like you got bullocks!

RECRUITS (louder): Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: If you strumpets leave my island, if you survive commando training ... you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of death praying for a suicide mission. But until that day you are bootlickers! You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human cussed beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabarsetic fartleberries. Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair! There is no racial bigotry here! I do not look down on micks, hebes, dagos, pollocks, or Brooklynites. Here you are all equally burnt-arsed! And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved OSS! Do you sodomites understand that?

RECRUITS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Bejabbers! I can't hear you!

RECRUITS: Sir, yes, sir!

Sergeant Hartman stops in front of Bronson

HARTMAN: What's your name, godemiche?

BRONSON: Sir, Private Bronson, sir!

HARTMAN: Consarn! Do you like being a pollock?

BRONSON: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Well, there's one thing that you won't like, Private Pollock! They
don't serve kielbasa or borscht on a daily basis in my mess hall!

BRONSON: Sir, yes, sir!

THOMAS: (under his breath) Is that you, John Mills? Is this me?

HARTMAN: Who said that? Who the blazes said that? Who's the slimy little Marxist twinkle-toed twiddly-poof down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy godmother said it! Out-bloody-standing! I will P.T. you all until you bleeding die! I'll P.T. you until your quims are sucking buttermilk.

Sergeant Hartman grabs Eastwood by the poncho.

HARTMAN: Was it you, you scroungy little lick-spittle, huh?!

EASTWOOD: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: You little piece of night soil! You look like a dratted worm! I'll bet it was you!

EASTWOOD: Sir, no, sir!

THOMAS: Sir, I said it, sir!

Sergeant Hartman steps up to Thomas.

HARTMAN: Well ... no bowel movement. What have we got here, a darn-tooting vaudevilian? Private Thomas? I admire your honesty. Dad-sizzle, I like you. You can come over to my house and beardsplit my sister.

Sergeant Hartman pokes Thomas in the eyes. Thomas starts crying.

HARTMAN: You little scalawag! I've got your name! I've got your hind quarters! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unhuffle yourself or I will unscrew your head and use the loo down your neck!

THOMAS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Private Thomas, why did you join my beloved commando unit?

THOMAS: Sir, to get killed, sir!

HARTMAN: So you're a killee!

THOMAS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Let me hear your death scream!

THOMAS: Sir?

HARTMAN: You've got a death scream? Arrrrgh! That's a death scream.
Now let me hear your death scream!

THOMAS: Arrgh!

HARTMAN: Balls! You didn't convince me! Let me hear your real death scream!

THOMAS: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

HARTMAN: You didn't move me! Work on it!

THOMAS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN [to CAINE]: How tall are you, Private?

CAINE: Sir, five foot nine, sir!

HARTMAN: Gosh-all-Potomac. I didn't know they stacked crap that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?

CAINE: Sir, no, sir.

HARTMAN: ‘Snails! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mum's bum and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated. Where in botheration are you from anyway, Private?

CAINE: Sir, Scotland, sir!

HARTMAN: Holy dog droppings! Scotland! Only snails and plugtails come from Scotland, Private Caine! And you don't look much like a snail to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you gamahuche?

COWBOY: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: Are you a bagpiper?

CAINE: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would lark a cherry between the bubbies and not even have the guldurned common courtesy to give her a mint! I'll be watching you!

HARTMAN [to Quinn]: Did your parents have any children that lived?

QUINN: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a post-impressionist masterpiece! You look Greek. Do you suck rantallions?

QUINN: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: G. Rover Cripes! I'll bet you could suck a cricket ball through a tea kettle spout!

QUINN: Sir, no, sir!

Hartman turns to Knotts who has a grin on his face.

HARTMAN: Do you think I'm cute, Private Knotts? Do you think I'm funny?

KNOTTS: Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN: Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!

KNOTTS: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Well, any rogering time, Nancy!

KNOTTS: Sir, I'm trying, sir.

HARTMAN: Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three blasted seconds—to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your peepers and have your greens! One! Two! Three!

Knotts purses his lips but continues to smiles involuntarily.

KNOTTS: Sir, I can't help it, sir!

HARTMAN: By St. Boogar and all the saints at the backside door of Purgatory! Sit on your footlocker, used prophylactic! Now slap yourself!

Knotts slaps himself until his cheeks are red and tear-stained.

HARTMAN: Are you through grinning?

KNOTTS: (barely able to speak) Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: By the double-barrelled jumping jiminetty! I can't hear you!

KNOTTS: (gasping like a fish out of water) Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: Private Pyle, you had best square your arse away and start pooping me the Crown Jewels... or I will definitely blast and bugger you!

PYLE: Sir, yes, sir!

Hartman turns to Jaeckel who has been shaking his head.

HARTMAN: Corporal, make sure these catamites are up at 0500. We've got a lot of work to do to turn them into redemption material. [he leaves]

JAECKEL: Gentlemen, your training begins tomorrow. Those of you who survive will become experts at: throat slashing, eye-gouging, fighting on a moving vehicle, avoiding trees in parachuting, pulling grenade pins with your teeth, sneaking, watch synchronizing - among other things. Good night.

Dr. Strangelove (1) vs. 1941 (16)

BACKGROUND:


       “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying About the Bomb” is a dark comedy set in the Cold War.  It was directed by Stanley Kubrick and released in 1964. An insane general launches a nuclear bomber attack against the Soviet Union to protect America’s “precious bodily fluids”. In the War Room, the President and his advisers try to prevent the Soviets initiating their “doomsday device” by recalling the B-52s or helping the Soviets thwart the attack.

       “1941” is a period comedy set in the week after Pearl Harbor. It takes place in California. It was directed Steven Spielberg and released in 1979. The plot revolves around a Japanese sub that is attempting to bombard Hollywood. There are several subplots including the stationing of an artillery piece in a families front yard, a love triangle between a tanker, a Zoot Suiter, and a dance hall girl, and a rogue fighter pilot searching for enemy aircraft. Mayhem ensues.

FIRST HALF: ACTING

      “Dr. Strangelove” features a tour de force by Peter Sellers. He plays British Group Captain Mandrake, President Muffley, and ex-Nazi scientist Strangelove. It is an amazing performance and earned an Academy Award nomination.  (He lost to Rex Harrison of "My Fair Lady"!) He is ably supported by the supporting cast. George C. Scott plays the bellicose Gen. Turgidson. He was told by Kubrick to do over the top practice takes and then Kubrick used those takes in the film (much to Scott’s chagrin). Slim Pickens was told the movie was a drama which results in his scenes as Capt. “King” Kong on his B-52 being very taut.

       “1941” has a large cast of recognizable faces. It’s an odd mixture of dramatic actors trying to get in the spirit (Ned Beatty, Warren Oates, Robert Stack) and comedians trying too hard to stand out. It is obvious they are trying too hard. Noone stands out. John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd were given the meatiest roles, but both end up flailing about trying to overcome the weak script.  It gets to the point where Ackroyd's character suffers a concussion so he can spout gibberish. The stand-out performance is given by, believe it or not, Slim Pickens as the Jap captive Hollis “Holly” Wood.

First half score: Strangelove – 49 1941 - 35

SECOND HALF: HUMOR

       “Strangelove” is one of the most highly regarded Cold War satires. It was nominated for the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar (losing to "Becket"!). It skewers the policy of Mutually Assured Destruction. It gleans laughs from the insanity of nuclear war. It is seldom laugh out loud funny and in fact parts are suspenseful. It is a classic of dark comedy. The best word to describe it would be “biting”.

       “1941” seems to have started out as a standard farce and then degenerated into a frantic, chaotic mess. The film gets off to a good start with a parody of the opening of “Jaws” (with the same actress) and includes a hilarious scene with “Holly” Wood on the Japanese sub. Most of the rest is forced. The dialogue is pedestrian and the second half substitutes physical mayhem for subtlety. There are several scenes reminiscent of the last part of “The Blues Brothers” – destruction as comedy.

Second half score; Strangelove - 44 1941 - 35

ANALYSIS:

        This was a match-up between a classic comedy and a cult favorite. “Dr. Strangelove” is ranked #3 on AFIs list of 100 Greatest Comedies and is considered one of the most important war comedies ever made. On the other hand, “1941” was a miscue by Spielberg. It was generally considered a flop when it first came out and (just as with some other justifiably frowned on movies) has somehow been rehabilitated into cult status. It has its fans who find the desperate flailing attempts at humor to be amusing. However, no one in their right mind could argue it belongs in a conversation with “Dr. Strangelove”.

FINAL SCORE:
Dr. Strangelove   93
1941                    70

#70 - Hail the Conquering Hero

BACK-STORY: “Hail the Conquering Hero” is a comedy war movie set in home front America in World War II. It was released in 1944 and is a black and white classic directed by Preston Sturges. It is considered by many to be his best movie. He was nominated for the Oscar for Best Screenplay. Fans of Sturges will recognize several familiar faces from his “stock company” including William Demarest who made ten movies with Sturges. The movie came out a year after another Sturges home front satire, “The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek” (which also starred Demarest and Bracken).


OPENING: In a bar, the depressed Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith (Eddie Bracken) is drowning his sorrows. His father was a WWI hero who was killed at Belleau Wood and it had been Woodrow’s dream to follow in his father’s footsteps, but a case of hay fever got him discharged from the Marines and now he is too ashamed to return home. When a group of Marines cannot afford to buy any more beer, Woodrow pays for a round thus catching their interest. When Sergeant Heppelfinger (Demarest) learns of Woodrow’s plight and his love of the Corps ( he can recite all the battles the Marines have fought in), he and the others decide to escort Woodrow home.

SUMMARY: The reluctant Woodrow hops a train with the six Marines and when they arrive the guys insist that he don a Marine uniform replete with medals. Heppelfinger insists he will “just slip in”, but there are four brass bands (playing four different songs) and the whole town waiting to greet him at the station since one of the Marines had called ahead. The now very reluctant Woodrow is forced off the train by his buddies. A young boy asks him “How many Nips did you get?” Woodrow is in deep.

The six Marines are put up at Woodrow’s home where his mother is naturally very proud of her boy and is small town hospitable to the Marines. A typical example of Sturges’ sharp satirical dialogue comes when she serves pancakes and the Sarge suggests they would be better with butter. Mrs. T: “Maybe you haven’t heard Sergeant, but there’s a war on”. Woodrow discovers that his girlfriend Libby (who he had written to not wait for him) is engaged to the mayor’s son (who could not volunteer because of – hay fever).

At Mass, the sermon is about our hero and the town has been inspired to pay off his mother’s mortgage. The hole gets deeper. The opponents of the pompous Mayor Noble get a bright idea for a candidate that can oust him in the upcoming election. Can you guess who they decide to run? He’s a war hero and plus he is honest! His attempts to avoid the noose confirm his admirable modesty. The deal is sealed after the Sarge compounds the lie by telling a crowd how Woodrow saved his life in combat. (Why would he do this when he knew Woodrow was already in a deep hole that the Sarge had assured him he would not get in?)

Woodrow is heading for a landslide win. They are singing songs about him. Libby is having second thoughts about her engagement. The Mayor’s campaign manager decides to see what dirt he can dig up on Woodrow. He discovers the truth. To preempt the tarring and feathering moment in his immediate future, Woodrow comes clean at a campaign rally.

FINAL SCENE: After Woodrow’s confession and exit, the Sarge takes the podium. At the train station, Woodrow prepares to slink out of town. Libby wants to go with him. Suddenly a crowd comes marching forward (to lynch him?). It seems the Sarge convinced the town that love of mom equates to good mayorship. He insisted that Woodrow’s confession was the bravest thing he had ever witnessed. This is coming from a veteran of Guadalcanal. So Woodrow is destined to be the new mayor. In politics, if the populace wants you, they want you. They don’t need reasons. That’s small town politics. The six Marines leave town to the strains of the “Marine Corps Hymn”.

RATINGS:

Action – N/A


Acting – 8


Accuracy – N/A


Realism – 6


Plot – 6


Overall – 6

WOULD CHICKS DIG IT? Since this is not really a war movie, it will probably appeal to women who do not like war movies.  It does star every woman's dream - Eddie Bracken!  Actually, a good reason to get your girl to watch this movie with you is hopefully you can compete with Eddie (Brad Pitt, he ain't). 

However, keep in mind it is a 1940’s satire which is not for everyone. Also, much of the humor is lost to anyone not familiar with the home front in WWII (which would be pretty much every woman less than 70 in America). Don’t forget satire requires intellect and old satire requires historical intellect. This is a warning to both men and women. That does not mean the movie is not entertaining for a modern clueless audience. It just means most will not get all the jokes. 

ACCURACY: Accuracy is not really an issue with this movie. With that said, it does a fine job of portraying life in small town America during WWII. Keep in mind that it is a satire so it paints the town and its people in broad and humorous strokes.

The movie does reflect the concern in 1944 that the populace was becoming less patriotic and more lazy as the war effort was waning a bit. Although the government did not encourage Sturges to tackle this problem, it must have been pleased with the film.

CRITIQUE: “Hail the Conquering Hero” is an excellent example of 1940’s comedy and in particular the satirical style typified by Preston Sturges. This makes it more comfortable in a time capsule than a modern movie theater. Check out this exchange in the bar. Woodrow (complaining about a sentimental song being sung): “Why don’t they sing something gay?” Bartender: “Why don’t you acquire a gay viewpoint?” See what I mean. I like old comedies, but this one is not particularly funny. It has its great lines, but seldom is LOL funny.

The movie’s theme of how hero worship can get out of hand is well done and must have struck a chord in WWII America. It appears that Sturges was anticipating post-war America where heroes would be a dime a dozen. The movie also has some sharp things to say about small town politics. The mayor is basically a political boss, but there is still the democratic spirit that allows a hero to come from out of the blue and get elected. Sturges also taps into the American cynicism about the political process. At one point, the Sarge opines “Those ain’t lies, those are campaign promises – they expect them”. Even today, that line resonates.

Most importantly, the movie reflects small town America culture. This is important because American culture was based in small towns back then as opposed to modern America’s big city culture. The word quaint comes to mind in describing Woodrow’s home town. His mother is typical of mothers. He is in love with the girl next door. Everyone knows everyone. People say “jumping jehosofat!” and “holy mackerel!”. People are very patriotic.

Sturges directs with verve and there is snappy dialogue throughout. There are usually lots of people in a scene and overlapping dialogue. His stock company plays stock characters – the blowhard mayor, the cynical campaign manager, the stick in the mud fiancé, the saintly mom, etc. All are funny and comfortably within the box that was 1940s satire. The main actors – Bracken and Demarest – are outstanding. Bracken’s facial expressions are priceless. Raymond Walburn as the mayor is also quite good and some of his exchanges with his wife are hilarious. (Mrs. Noble: "Everett, I just have a feeling you're going to make an ass of yourself and I'm just going to pretend I don't know you." Mr. Noble: "I wish you didn't have to pretend!")

CONCLUSION: First, let me make it clear – this is not a war movie by any reasonable definition of what a war movie is. As my peer (All About War Movies) says, it is a movie set in a war. Of my top three war movie guides, only the most comprehensive (Brassey’s Guide to War Films) includes it. It is my opinion that it does not belong on the 100 Greatest list, much less at #70!

It’s a nice little movie with some good performances and some funny lines. It actually holds up pretty well for a black and white movie that is more than 60 years. However, two similar movies are much funnier and if you want to stretch the definition of war movie, then the Military History magazine panel could have embarrassed themselves less by choosing “The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek” or better yet, Jack Benny’s “To Have or Have Not”.

Next up:  #69 - Guadalcanal Diary